The trip to the hospital was short lived as it was around the corner... There were no bags packed for me; no welcoming home outfit for Bentley. There was no happiness in the world at all it seemed. Such a beautiful day, I stared out the window on our short drive it was the first of many spring days and the sky was clear and a beautiful baby blue. I felt numb but was beginning to understand my new found pain in the only way that you can when losing apart of yourself. Pulling into the hospital I turned my heart against it all, pushed the numbness all over my body and made the journey to my room. They set me up an IV but was in no rush to start anything. They gave me plenty of time to adjust to my surroundings, we even ate lunch while we waited.
Now looking back I realize I was in utter shock, I smiled as people walked in and even was in some of the ongoing conversations. Everyone wore sad faces and everyone did not know what to say... little did I know this was the first over the course of time that I would get this reaction to the news. My phone died and we had them plugged up... I remember simply putting it on Facebook that Bentley had gone on to be with Jesus. I think letting everyone know that way was a shock to them and yet I felt nothing. I felt absolutely insane.. it was like a voice in my head telling me how I should be reacting but I was just not reacting that way at all. I was hardly showing tears and I was not screaming or begging for my babies life, although I knew he would never come back to me no matter what I did.
I wanted no one and yet everyone... I wanted to be alone but knew if I was that something dark would creep in. I wanted death like I had never in my life. I hated life yet went on living that day because God did not see fit to take me home with my son.
Laying in that bed with the nurses fussing over how comfortable I was, my temperature was high and no one had a clue. I was so swollen... I did not recognize my feet anymore or really even my hands. I felt crummy but at a time like this who knows how your suppose to feel. Finally a nurse took my temperature and realize it was well above the norm. I was climbing to 104 and they immediately wanted to put antibiotics in me. In my own sick way I looked back on this moment and wished I would have refused... I could have went home to be with my son and even though I know that now I need to live for the future and remember him in my own way my dark days always let this thought creep up in my mind.
If you understand the darkness than you understand how twisted your thoughts can become if it just mean reuniting with your son or daughter. I was at a loss for sanity some days. But anyways continuing on...
After several hours I still was not getting any better and the doctor decided it was time to give me Pitocin. This was to jump start my labor so that I could give birth to my little boy. In my head at this time I am yelling at the doctors why no ultrasound... just to be sure? I mean your just going to go on a ultrasound done hours ago? Maybe there was a miracle or they made a mistake but for some reason but I never opened my mouth. I wished in my head so many times for Bentley to be born crying or something and the doctors would be baffled but hey I would have my son ALIVE. That is all I wanted... I carried him, I had felt him move and kick and even saw him a dozen times doing all of this. I had heard his heartbeat so many times... how could this be.
But it was and there was no changing that. Labor came quickly but Bentley didn't. I was in so much pain and agony. I got an epidural and for a while the pain seem to dim. I still felt my contractions but not quite as heavily. Finally almost 11 hours later things quickened and I felt it all.. I was screaming and hollering and throwing myself back and forth in the bed; & here is where I totally understand when someone says you feel like you are having an "out of body" experience. I was talking to myself but only in my head. Saying what are you doing? Calm down, no reason to act like this. Get yourself together its just pain, its nothing compared to what comes next. I look back now and am amazed at how my thoughts did not even slightly stop my physical body from reacting. I was given shots of morphine, nothing... it felt like they maybe gave me Tylenol or something... the pain was in waves but they were coming strong and was told to push but the doctor was so concerned with my pain level as they were out of options for medicine and I could still feel everything. Finally I felt myself push Bentley out... and I heard; "you did good"
WHAT? I just gave birth to a child that can't cry, will never laugh, will never know me a mommy on this earth and I did good... How dare whoever said that. I did not do GOOD... you crazy person. I couldn't do the one thing that a mother should be able to do and that was protect my child and save him from his sickness. I did all I could, sure... but at that time I was just wanting to slap someone for saying that.
12:24am... Bentley Matthew Maness was born sleeping, no cries, nothing. Yet in my head I was so mad... so I began asking questions where did they take him, where is he, why isnt he with me. I mean this is not how it happened in the movies. I saw a million of them they hold the baby up and say "ITS A BOY!" and hand the baby over for a few moments to the mom who looks like she has died and risen and now cries in joy for her new baby.
Now trust me I know this sounds crazy and it was... I wanted my son, in the same way that everyone else wanted theirs. How dare they take this moment from me?
Soon after they made me push the stupid placenta out (the absolute worse part of labor) and then allowed me to "rest" (this part is really out of focus for me; too many drugs in my system).
Finally I remember a nurse coming in than two or three more over the hour to ask if I wanted to hold my baby each time. Each time I said yes but it was like they wanted to make sure so they kept on asking until a doctor approached me and asked, I said yes again. They tried to convince me not to hold him or see him and even went as far as saying; "You need to understand he does not look like a normal baby... and blah blah" REALLY? YOUR KIDDING? I felt like they thought I was stupid but I know they were just prepping me.
A nurse brought him to me and I felt complete for one moment in my life... My heart was in my hands. I hardly cried... in my head all I wanted was for the short while that I had him was to smile, and tell him how much he meant to me. I cannot tell you what was said... I don't remember really. I just know that I looked crazy to at the time my stupid boyfriend, Bentley's dad. He would never understand and I did not know that laying there in that bed holding our son. Matt put his arms around both of us and cried... our little family together for the only time.
It seemed to last a few seconds before they asked for him back and I felt resistant but was easily talked into giving him to the nurses by Matt. I know regret this more than anything. I wish I would have held him longer, not had so many drugs in my system that I could understand what was happening, but they took him.
My blood was rechecked and I was not allowed to leave the room because my electrolytes were too low. I would have to wait in here and I don't remember it at all. I think I may have passed out or talked to Matt... It is all a blur. Finally they took my epidural out several hours later and moved me to a new room.
I stayed in this room for several days with people coming in and out. I hardly slept and wouldn't eat anything but crackers. This was the first of several days that started this painful reality. I did not want to leave the hospital unlike most people; I thought if I was alone than the darkness would creep in and take over... I was very afraid of what I might do.
That's all for this blog. Please understand that it is not your place to judge and I do not care for comments on how God blessed me or anything remotely close. This was very hard and I hope everyone who reads it can see how things truly effect women like me.
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