Bad News, but not the Worst.

Corrections!!!
I want to apologize to my best friend Staci for leaving her out of my last video, I didn't mean too. When I go to blog something I try to remember with the best detail but some things get left out and I am sorry for that.

I want to continue my story,

After my first ultrasound, my mom and I went to the store and bought the baby a few little things, a lullaby CD and a little book. I was so excited to be able to get things early for my little pumpkin. It was so fun to look at everything and know that I was going to have a baby shower and everyone would be there. I was so happy! One morning though I woke up and just didn't feel right, I walked to bathroom like everyone does every morning and instantly I was hit with a wave of nausea and hit the bathroom floor throwing up. I couldn't stop throwing up... I was screaming in my head, OH NO! OH NO! NOT MORNING SICKNESS! But when it didn't stop and I began to dry heave I knew something was wrong. I did not have a cell phone that I could call out on and was only lucky to have internet in the house that allowed me to connect to my sister. Who knows, maybe the app I used should be accredited for saving my life and the life of my baby...(at that time period) I don't know if I could have got up to get help in the first place. I texted my sister using the app and asked her to call the obgyn and find out what I should do. They said to get to a hospital immediately that I was dehydrated and needed to be seen.
I had also been sending my dad messages but without a reply. When my dad got my messages he immediately came and picked me up to take me to the hospital. The hospital I went to was not the best choose apparently due to the fact that they would not allow me to have water or eat anything, the obgyn later was really upset with the fact that the hospital had not looked out for mine or the baby's best interest.
Anyways, they stuck me in a room for hours, I did not know what was going on. I understand that the ER is a very busy place but this could mean the life of my baby. I did not see a doctor for close to three hours. When he finally came in, he did a physical exam and told me that my cervix seemed to be to soft, that I could have an incompetent cervix. I was sent soon after into an "emergency" ultrasound. The technician was very nice and she was with a girl that she was training. The girl was about 8 months pregnant and seemed ever so happy. She talked excitedly to me about her baby and how I must have been so happy I was pregnant. We talked together while they looked at my baby, I tried to show how happy I was but I was scared. They talked about how much he moved and how little he was but when the Techs face fell and she began to look worried and even sad, I took on a different attitude and began to beg for answers to my interrupting questions. I asked what was wrong? What is it? Why are you whispering? Is something wrong with the baby? & then I became calm and realized... well duh! It's my cervix, nothing to worry about they can fix that.
TALK ABOUT BEING DEAD WRONG.
The tech said she needed to show the doctor and she would be right back for me to get dressed, in the middle of dressing she came back and said she needed some more pictures. I was like uhm okay... why? She said she just needed to make sure she got the right angles. I said okay and undressed again so she could take another look. This time is was all serious. There was no awhh look at him moving around like a champ like before, just serious faces that scared the life out of me. All I could do was tell myself that it is nothing. Surely I would have miscarried if it was something bad?
Who in my situation would ever think of stillbirth? Second Trimester Miscarriage, Diseases that effect babies in the womb.
I didn't... I had no thoughts like that, I just assumed natural processes would have been in effect and because he was still with me at 14 weeks, I bypassed the critical part with flying colors. AGAIN dead wrong.
They moved me to a "non-critical" room with a few other patience and that is when Matt showed up. He sat with me and shared my worry face as we contemplated in our heads what could be the problem and if my cervix could be fixed? Could I carry the baby full term? That was our biggest worry. When the doctor finally came back in he said the one thing that made me rethink what could be wrong. Your baby shows thickness on the neck but that is the only thing I can say, he seems fine but I think you should see a OB asap. They handled calling my OB and setting the appointment and we left the hospital with new fears? One's we didn't even know existed.


On a sidenote:
Today is October 19th, 2012 and today marks six months since I last held my precious baby in my arms. I am having a hard day and I just wish I could be looking into his eyes telling him happy six months right now. My love for Bentley is endless and reaches from the depths of the ocean to the stars in the night sky. I want nothing more than to have him in my arms and for it to be as it should be. Thank you everyone so much for being such a great support system!