Just another hard week...

This is out of context to my story but I am having a hard time this week with things and I just want to write to get them out.

Last week I went to a therapy session my first one in a while and it was easy to talk about things, the basics... tell her about my life, the hard times, the good times. She really listened and told me by the end that she feels I am insightful for what I need in my life and what I don't need but she does not feel that I am doing everything I can to grieve properly. She says to make time, grieve whenever I can but make it when I don't want to the most. I realized by the end of the session that I haven't made time because I don't have, I just don't want to make myself feel that way. That horrible pain that quenches deep within my chest, making it hard to breath. That pain that takes my breath away at it's every turn and pulls me down into the darkness if only for a minute. I feel the kind of hurt that you can only imagine if you have never lost a baby.
I don't allow myself to grieve anymore, I try my best to block it out. It's not that I don't remember... I do. It is fresh, a fresh wound that is infected due to neglect. Somehow I must manage this pain and grieve the proper way. If I don't I may blow up one day, crack... lose my sanity. I feel on the brink of crazy when I grieve. Why is this? I just want to be able to go on, remember and celebrate his short life and know the love I have for him without the tears, the scares, the thoughts that creep into my mind. What if's... that I have no business thinking about. My future is scared and damaged because I am, I will never be normal again. Whatever your definition of normal is, I will never get pregnant and just be happy with it. I will be scared, I will wonder every second. I will do everything I can to figure out every day that my baby is okay. These thoughts scare me, will I become an overbearing mom? Will I push my boyfriend away? Will I push my "kids" away?
I know I should not be thinking about these things in the current, but these are the things that consume me. Like a fire set ablaze and cannot be put out. I do not want these thoughts, I do not want these added worries... but they are there, forever.