week to week... day by day.

After the genetic appointment we were told we were going day by day with son and he could pass away at anytime. I was constantly reminded of my rights to termination and that no one would blame me, what about me?.. wouldn't I blame me? This actually never crossed my mind as a choice though because I knew for me that it was wrong and my son deserved every chance in the world.
I never doubted my son, I never once made preparations or thought this could be it. I cried a lot because it was hard but I just knew that he was coming home. I did not care how long he had to be in the hospital I knew he was coming home. I was dead wrong... more wrong than I ever thought I could be.

The support that I received through the next few weeks was amazing. My mom was there everyday telling me it was going to be okay. The prayer chains that were started was astonishing. I received messages from people telling me their churches were praying for my unborn son and I truly felt nothing could go wrong. My family loved my baby and they never gave up on him either... it was amazing. No one believed it was possible to lose him... we were all in such denial.

The only thing wrong was Matt and I couldn't get a long; long enough to show each other why we were really upset. I couldn't understand him and he seemed to not even care to understand me. We were broken and so was our relationship. From friends to lovers to enemies as fast as we first said hello. It was the shortest and most stressful relationship I have ever been in. In those weeks that passed we grew further and further apart and yet our love for our son just grew.

to be continued...

Pain

it seems like everyone is expecting me to change how I feel, just because I am pregnant does not mean that I have for gotten about my son. he is in my every thought and all of my dreams... this pain is never going away and I realize that but please could you people honestly understand that you do not understand what I am going through. I know some of you do that is following this blog and.thank you so much for the support. I am tired of going through every day and all people mention is the new baby, if my son was here you all would still be asking how he is too. Why can't you just mention him, he was real... he was mine. It may make me cry and tear up but I will feel better in the end because some body mentioned him!

this was me venting sorry if I offended anybody...

Genetic Analysis

We went right out of the ultrasound room into the geneticist room and began immediately with the tears and consultation. I honestly don't think that I was truly done with the tears in the first place. I remember going over family history and things that might have caused all of this, but nothing was out of the ordinary so we finished up and just started talking about options and what was to be expected. Imagine being pregnant and a woman looking at you explaining verbally in detail as well as showing with her hands how it would feel if I lost the baby physically. I was terrified, she said it will feel like a sharp pain at first and while clenching her fist she showed me how I would feel inwardly. I couldn't control my thoughts... I wondered how bad it would be, would I feel it right away, or was it not as bad as explained. I mean did this woman even know what she was talking about if she had never been through it how could she.
The next question I would ask broke me even farther than I could ever have imagined. I didn't feel like I could feel any worse but as I mouthed the words I realized the inevitable pain it would put me through. I asked; "Should I terminate?" Before I could continue she said that is only a question you can answer. I then said; "BUT is he in pain, I do not want to carry him if it is causing him pain..." I began to bawl, (this was just to hard). She looked at me when such compassion in her eyes and told me that it wasn't the baby that was in pain it was me. I couldn't hold anything back, I just let go and i cried all the way though the rest of the appointment. Yes I was in pain... a lot of pain. It felt physical and emotional and I felt like someone had ripped my soul apart and deceived me into taking it back. Little did I know that this was just the beginning... it would be worse, much worse.
As Matt and I proceeded out of the appointment his parents saw the pain in our faces, how could I explain this to them. As I tried, Matt had to take over and tell because the tears just would not stop. I tried to straighten myself up but the pain was so incredibly bad at this point that I just couldn't. I sat in the passenger seat on the way home and looked out the window at nothing, I was thinking of nothing... trying to bury myself under a pile of thoughts not related to the pain I was feeling. I never imagined this would happen who would..

Wake Forest.

After the ultrasound at the OBGYN I waited ever so patiently for my ultrasound at Wake Forest's Fetal Comprehensive Unit.The wait was terrible and I just wanted answers... 
Note one: FETAL! This word bugged me the moment I walked through the door... I felt like hmm, maybe this is not the place for me. The BABY inside of me was just that; A BABY! Not a fetus... not something that means nothing.
(Now I know that fetal... doesn't necessary in terms mean what I am portraying but I am just relaying how I felt in the moment.)
I was already scared and anxious and now I am being tormented by all the pregnant women sitting around me, I wonder aimlessly... "Is her baby sick too? Are all our babies sick? Can't be there are too many women in here." I remember feeling so anxious I was shaking. Matt had come with me to this appointment, didn't that mean that it had to be important. He would not put off work for anything... so it had to be something scary, something we didn't want to go through. His parents were here too... as much as they didn't like the idea of their son having a baby out of wedlock, they were here. They were here for support, and that made me feel some relief.
I filled out all the necessary paper work and sat down to wait. After about 30 minutes the nurse called us back to the ultrasound room... a room that throughout my pregnancy would come to be so familiar and so scary. I walked in and was asked to roll my shirt up and unbutton my pants, we waited for the tech to arrive and she went straight into her cordial greeting and down to business. She said.."Lets see what is going on with this baby.." I was 15 weeks pregnant and showing quite a bit, I felt proud as I looked at my belly and back up at the screen.
After several pictures and her showing us the "problem areas" we were scared to death. But so happy we got to see our baby boy just moving around and kicking. This ultrasound gave me my favorite picture of him, he put up his little tiny hand and it looked like he waved at the screen, my heart melted. I felt like my baby was telling me it was all going to be okay. Like "Mom... I am fine in here." Awhh... how I love that moment. A memory I will always treasure.
The tech got a little excited as she asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we both said not yet. She asked us if we wanted to and Matt and I looked at each other for a brief moment registering yes with just our eyes and I looked back and nodded yes to the tech. She said well your having a baby boy and I smiled so big it hurt... I would never have cared if it was a boy or girl. Initially I wanted a girl, but this was my baby and boy girl who cares. Matt was so happy... sitting beside me saying, "I told you so!" I laughed because he did... like all the other times since I had been pregnant he had said; "Maness boys have boys" and it proved true time and time again in his family.
After the excited part was over the tech said the doctors would have to get together and look over the findings. We waited forever... our fears binding within us. I know I began to feel sick and wondered if morning sickness was kicking in or was my nerves just becoming really bad. The doctor finally came in. Matt and I were sitting along the wall in a row of three chairs. Side by side we waited... The doctor said words that I will never forget and will hang in my heart and linger in my mind until the end of time. "Hi... (stated his name & checked the chart for ours) I am sorry to say this but ya'll will have other children but you just won't be having this one. The thunder rained down on me as my heart broke into a million pieces. NO... what do you mean I asked. Matt grabbed for my hand and began to try to console me as I fell immediately into tears. He said "Ya'll look like a lovely couple and so young, you will probably have very healthy pregnancies later on but this time that is not how it happened..." He continued "The fetus is just too sick,"
Note two: Now you know from previous thoughts the anger that irrupted inside of me as he talked about my "fetus!"
He said things like "termination" "no one would blame you" "he only has days, maybe two weeks" "heart will stop" "sorry" "nothing we can do" "not your fault" "chromosomal"
I am so terrified by this point and now just trying to hang onto his every word. He finished up and shakes our hands. I know now that he is pro science and not pro life, this is not the doctor for me. I will never see him again and I didn't.
................
We were then sent to the genetic councilor... I will talk on that more later. It would be too long to put that in this blog.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I KNOW THERE ARE MOTHERS AND FATHERS OUT THERE THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH THIS, I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO FEEL ALONE. WHEN I FOUND OUT, I SEARCHED THE WEB TO FEEL APART OF SOMETHING. YOUR NOT ALONE.

Halloween :/ & Ultrasound Follow-up

Hello and WELCOME BACK to my page.
Happy Halloween everyone, hope that your having a great day and have been having a wonderful Wednesday!
I want to say to all the victims of Hurrican Sandys wrath that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am saddened by all the damage, loss and death. I hope that everyone watching will also keep them in your thoughts.

So in my last blog, I told you guys about how I went to the ER and in this one I want to talk to you about the follow up appointment with my home OBGYN. I want to say that Thomasville OBGYN is the absolute best! The doctors there made me feel more comfortable, more hope and more happiness and without them I may have not got to feel the joys of my pregnancy.
So I went to the OBGYN the next day and signed in and waited. Pregnant women all around and I think hmm... I wonder if anyone else in here is scared to death of today's appointment? I am shaking a little, my nerves have always been bad but now I am beating myself up about it. STOP Samantha, I say in my head. "You know its bad for the baby..." I continue this until my name is called and I finally feel like I am going to have some answers. If I could count the times that I had been dead wrong in my pregnancy it wouldn't be possible to use my fingers. I hated the shaky feeling I had but was enlightened when I went in and  vitals and blood pressure checked out. Oddly enough I lost eight pounds and my nurse was warning me losing too much could cause problems; but that it was normal to lose some weight. I thought that the decrease may have something to do with the sickness I had only a few days earlier.
I was put into th ultrasound room and awaited my answers... the tech came in and asked me to explain to her why I was here. I told her everything the doctor had said to me and she just shook her head and with a light airy laugh she explained that ER doctors are rushed and usually don't have time to really assess any "problems" so that not to worry everything was probably okay. As she prepped me for the ultrasound we talked about how I had been eating and my weight loss. She was in the middle of cascading the reader across my belly when her face lost her smile. She became almost distant as if talking to me anymore would cause more problems. I now know this is in case she was wrong that she would have gotten into trouble. She looked at the screen back at me and said I am so sorry I said that before your ultrasound, there is something quite wrong, I need to go get the doctor.

She went and informed the doctor of the ultrasound and came back and proceeded to print me plenty of pictures of my beautiful son. She asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said I better now, Matt isn't here and he might kill me. She said okay and I begin to ask a million and five questions. All she said to me was that it looked like Cystic Hygroma and the doctor would explain.

I waited for about 30 minutes and the doctor came in and immediately hugged me before going into his "update" He said he was sorry to inform me but the baby looked to have several problems and he was sorry they had not noticed anything at my 6 week ultrasound but it was more likely that the baby had developed them sometime within the last 7 weeks. I waited for him to get down to the real news and when he did I was shocked to hear things like "genetic chromosomal disorders" "cystic hygroma" "hydrops" "turners syndrome" and many other words I had not yet let digest. He wanted me to see a specialist and they would determine further what could be done if anything.

For those of you who don't know what cystic hygroma is, it is a mass of cysts that build up on the baby's neck and can continue down the spinal column. It is where the baby's lympthaic system is immature and instead of sending the fluids through the body the way it is supposed to happen it becomes small and larger collections of fluid.

I did a lot of research as I was told not to when I left the doctor informed me that the internet was a scary place to look at things like this and I should wait to hear it from a specialist who could inform me correctly. I did not have the patience for this however and looked up a few "key terms" to help my growing curiosity.

I will continue the story... next week. Hope you are enjoying my blog... I know it can be hard for some of you and this is why I share my story. I want everyone who is looking to understand and looking for some guidance to have that.

On top of my story I want to tell you how I have been lately. I have felt horrible, just down and out. I don't know what to do. It is like I am in a dark place and cannot get out of it. I just want to wake up and this all be a dream... I know that I won't and I have to keep pushing. But for those of you out there that have went through this you know what I mean... the pain, the spiraling up and down and the days you feel like youll never smile again. For those of you just starting to live this nightmare, know that the grieving process is normal. There will be bad times and good times and all the in between. We will make it through this, and we can do it together!

Today is no exception, I wanted so badly to dress Bentley up for Halloween, I was so excited he would only be a few months old for his first Halloween, he wouldn't remember it but I would... now I just feel empty. I want to hide away and not have to think about anything. Holidays seem like they will be like this for the rest of my life. Plans made, and then destroyed... the hurt will always be there and I wish for one second all of us going through this, mothers and fathers that it didn't have to be this way. We deserved our babies... that's my final thought. Sorry so long.

Bad News, but not the Worst.

Corrections!!!
I want to apologize to my best friend Staci for leaving her out of my last video, I didn't mean too. When I go to blog something I try to remember with the best detail but some things get left out and I am sorry for that.

I want to continue my story,

After my first ultrasound, my mom and I went to the store and bought the baby a few little things, a lullaby CD and a little book. I was so excited to be able to get things early for my little pumpkin. It was so fun to look at everything and know that I was going to have a baby shower and everyone would be there. I was so happy! One morning though I woke up and just didn't feel right, I walked to bathroom like everyone does every morning and instantly I was hit with a wave of nausea and hit the bathroom floor throwing up. I couldn't stop throwing up... I was screaming in my head, OH NO! OH NO! NOT MORNING SICKNESS! But when it didn't stop and I began to dry heave I knew something was wrong. I did not have a cell phone that I could call out on and was only lucky to have internet in the house that allowed me to connect to my sister. Who knows, maybe the app I used should be accredited for saving my life and the life of my baby...(at that time period) I don't know if I could have got up to get help in the first place. I texted my sister using the app and asked her to call the obgyn and find out what I should do. They said to get to a hospital immediately that I was dehydrated and needed to be seen.
I had also been sending my dad messages but without a reply. When my dad got my messages he immediately came and picked me up to take me to the hospital. The hospital I went to was not the best choose apparently due to the fact that they would not allow me to have water or eat anything, the obgyn later was really upset with the fact that the hospital had not looked out for mine or the baby's best interest.
Anyways, they stuck me in a room for hours, I did not know what was going on. I understand that the ER is a very busy place but this could mean the life of my baby. I did not see a doctor for close to three hours. When he finally came in, he did a physical exam and told me that my cervix seemed to be to soft, that I could have an incompetent cervix. I was sent soon after into an "emergency" ultrasound. The technician was very nice and she was with a girl that she was training. The girl was about 8 months pregnant and seemed ever so happy. She talked excitedly to me about her baby and how I must have been so happy I was pregnant. We talked together while they looked at my baby, I tried to show how happy I was but I was scared. They talked about how much he moved and how little he was but when the Techs face fell and she began to look worried and even sad, I took on a different attitude and began to beg for answers to my interrupting questions. I asked what was wrong? What is it? Why are you whispering? Is something wrong with the baby? & then I became calm and realized... well duh! It's my cervix, nothing to worry about they can fix that.
TALK ABOUT BEING DEAD WRONG.
The tech said she needed to show the doctor and she would be right back for me to get dressed, in the middle of dressing she came back and said she needed some more pictures. I was like uhm okay... why? She said she just needed to make sure she got the right angles. I said okay and undressed again so she could take another look. This time is was all serious. There was no awhh look at him moving around like a champ like before, just serious faces that scared the life out of me. All I could do was tell myself that it is nothing. Surely I would have miscarried if it was something bad?
Who in my situation would ever think of stillbirth? Second Trimester Miscarriage, Diseases that effect babies in the womb.
I didn't... I had no thoughts like that, I just assumed natural processes would have been in effect and because he was still with me at 14 weeks, I bypassed the critical part with flying colors. AGAIN dead wrong.
They moved me to a "non-critical" room with a few other patience and that is when Matt showed up. He sat with me and shared my worry face as we contemplated in our heads what could be the problem and if my cervix could be fixed? Could I carry the baby full term? That was our biggest worry. When the doctor finally came back in he said the one thing that made me rethink what could be wrong. Your baby shows thickness on the neck but that is the only thing I can say, he seems fine but I think you should see a OB asap. They handled calling my OB and setting the appointment and we left the hospital with new fears? One's we didn't even know existed.


On a sidenote:
Today is October 19th, 2012 and today marks six months since I last held my precious baby in my arms. I am having a hard day and I just wish I could be looking into his eyes telling him happy six months right now. My love for Bentley is endless and reaches from the depths of the ocean to the stars in the night sky. I want nothing more than to have him in my arms and for it to be as it should be. Thank you everyone so much for being such a great support system! 

I am so excited about using video to express some parts of my blog. I will continue to write but I am going to video as well, and probably just end up putting them on YouTube for all the world to see. I will let you know the link! I hope this video works! Let me know what you think!