Telling our Parents

The next few weeks were very scary. We had went back and forth on how we would tell our parents. Something was said about me having a miscarriage, and I really resent that now. Although I cannot blame anyone for ever thinking that having a miscarriage was possible because in any pregnancy it certainly is. I just wish things like that would have never been said and I wouldn't have to think about that now. Anyways, Matt and I talked about the pregnancy constantly and were not ready at all to tell our parents but decided to go ahead with it anyways. These will be played out in five short stories.
                   

                                                                                                                             Kelly & I

I start with going to my dads house to "decorate the tree." It is two weeks before Christmas, we are all sitting around and I am feeling horribly nervous, am I really about to tell my dad that I am pregnant? What will he say? Heck what will I say? Will it come out right... I always jumble things up with I get too nervous. I am waiting for the right time to say something but everyone keeps talking... I look nervously at Matt and he looks at me like dang will you ever get it out? So I decide to do what anyone would do... I blurt out I have to tell y'all something. Everyone turns and stares like what? you have rudely interrupted but at this point I feel as if I might explode if I do not get this off my chest. I calmly say... I'm pregnant, the words don't even come out of my mouth it seems and Kelly my dads wife has almost knocked the Christmas tree over and the lamp to get to me. She is screaming in a girlish fashion and I can't even bring myself to look around the room, everyone but her is quite. I zone in on my dad and he is staring at Kelly as if he might kill her if she doesn't stop. He looks surprised and I can tell the shock has hit everyone in the room. I am bombarded with a million questions all at once and Matt and I answer them one by one almost mechanically. I am shaking like a leaf... but I did it, I got it out. (Side Note: I wonder when I get pregnant again, how it will come across to my parents... will they be just as shocked?) Surley this is it... just questions. Everyone stops talking as I look at my dad and ask why hasn't he said anything, why are you just sitting there, what do you think? He looks at the TV back at us and says well... how are you going to do this with your jobs and school. I answer the question I knew was coming. DAD, I am headstrong... I am not going to quit. I know it will be hard but gezz you know me better than that. He doesn't seem to believe me and it breaks my heart. I have let my dad down... not Samantha, she wouldn't do this kind of thing. She is more responsible. She is (was) smarter. Apparently my heart is breaking and I wonder why things happen like they do. I don't even hear anymore questions... I am drowning in my own defeat. Pregnant & defeated.

My daddy:

Out of Context

This blog is not going to follow my story this is for me to release some of my feelings on the matter.
I am so angry that I do not have my son anymore, I really just feel like why? What did I do so bad? Am I going to be a bad mother? Did you take him because I did something. I keep thinking there is a verse... the sins of the mother and father. I don't want to blame myself, no! I keep telling myself it was not meant to be... but WHY? I only want to love and hold and cherish my son. I want to sing to him softly before he falls asleep. I want to argue and fight over who is going to change his diaper or feed him at 3am in the morning.

I am so sad and so angry.
anger.
anger.
& more anger.
Thats what I have built up inside of me. I was deprived of what I feel I needed most, if this was a act done on earth by another person they would be punished but because it was out of this world. Done by God, the merciful God that everyone talks about it is supposed to be okay.
I do not care that it was not meant to be. God could have made everything better... He is almighty. He could have changed the course of events, and then people say things like well maybe there would have been something terribly wrong with him, well God could have spared him of that too! & any other event that would have hurt or taken my son away from me.
Are we not here to procreate and to live life happy, forgetting our trespassers and forgiving them, so that we may remain happy. We have trials, but arnt we supposed to come out on top.
Yes I have changed, maybe even for the better.... BUT ANSWER ME THIS WOULDN'T HOLDING MY BABY IN MY ARMS CHANGE ME FOR THE BETTER TOO?
anger.
anger.

I feel like a two year old whining over a lost toy but its not like that at all. I lost my son, my baby, my precious little boy.
:/

Last night Bentleys dad and I ate dinner together and talked about things... it hurt him so much to think that I may even try again. See what this is doing to us? What I need to do, will kill him in the end. We had a good evening though, I am happy that we can remain friends through everything... that is one thing I can be thankful for.


Sorry for offending anyone, these are my feelings and I warned you.
I once read that if you are stronger than you realize when your honest about being mad at God. Most people wouldnt even consider saying it outloud. I am different, he knows... I know and now you all know. Please do me a favor though and save the comments on
Samantha dont be mad at God.
or he will see you through it.
or anything like that, it will only make me more angry.

Confirming Pregnancy

Okay so I am just going to pick up where I left off!

After first assessing the possibility that I am now pregnant we sit down and stare blankly at the TV as if we are actually watching it. Nope not at all... my mind is racing. Matt has now sent Stacy to the store to get a few more pregnancy tests, you know to "double check." I am texting my best friend Staci Turbeville, I really need someone to lean on and I know I need to get this out to her. She is not responding. I have sent three texts, where are you? what are you doing? Staci please, I need you now. No answer. Stacy Farlow my roommate gets back and hands me the test, Matt looks at her as if thanking her in silence. I have three tests in my hand. I will take two more tonight and wait and take the third in the morning. I take the next two, they are both the digital tests. They automatically within thirty seconds or so say pregnant. I know now that this is real, the doctors will just confirm it. Matt doesn't even look at me, he looks through me. I feel like I have let him down, I mean in reality we have known each other maybe a year and have been dating for less than two months. Just last week in the car we were driving to his parents I can remember us laughing and him saying "What more could I need? I have a great job and a beautiful girl friend... life is set. I am glad we aren't like so and so who is having a baby..." I remember thinking yes, not right now, Thank God. Ha, isn't that funny... I was pregnant when he said all those things. As I am in the middle of thinking my phone rings it is a text from Staci... and I am like WHAT? Her text says "Are you singing to me?" UHM NO I AM NOT SINGING TO YOU, I WANTED TO HIT HER... (i love you staci... :) I call her, no I am not singing... Staci I am pregnant. I hear on the other end of the phone a sharp intake of breath and she says really... yes really. I am getting aggravated but its because I am so upset. Finally as that is cleared up I get off the phone as we commence to saying that we will discuss it further after I go to the doctor in the morning to prove that I am.
Its now time for bed. Matt has work in the morning and I will face the OB and get a pregnancy test. Matt and I cling to each other for a few minutes talking about everything. I remember him telling me over and over it will be okay. We will figure this out... I mean you might not really be. I am like really? You still think that, wow I am definitely pregnant... three tests already!
Morning comes, Matt wakes up and gets in the shower. I always wake up about this time and just lay there until he leaves. But this morning is different... I have to take the last test. The paper does say the morning urine is best to test. I go into the bathroom and tell him what I am doing. I sit there for a few seconds while the test displays another automatic pregnant and I tell him this is real. To the doctor I go. I must wait a agonizing 2 hours until I can even call the OB and ask what I do next.
The OB nurse on the line sounds over joyed like she loves her job, she sounds content with telling me it is $17 for a pregnancy test and they will determine when my due date is if they confirm the pregnancy. I say when can I come in and she tells me anytime. I leave as early as possible and go up to Thomasville OB. Their staff is always so nice and accommodating but today I don't feel like this is helping. I have never had to experience this before. As I am called back I remember going through to the left side, the nurse asks for a urine sample and I immediately go get one. I give her the sample and she shows me to a chair she would like me to wait in until they are ready with the results.
Now starts the tremors and the anxiety again, could it be? I know I am but I am rooting for the no, but now I have mixed feelings... am I rooting for the yes too? I remember gently caressing my belly and softly saying, "are you really in there?" This reaction surprises me and I immediately draw back. Of course I want kids... Of course but now? The nurse comes back and she says so it is positive and we would say you are 4+ weeks. I draw in a large sum of air, breathing sharply. I fight off the panic attack and smile as politely as I can at the nurse. She calculates my due date... August 17th. I am sent home with a appointment in two weeks to confirm the due date yet again and to start my blood tests and the usual pregnancy mumbo jumbo.
I practically run to the car and pick up my phone, I dial Matt and tell him that I am really pregnant. I tell him the due date and a few other things and I really don't get much of a reply. Just a few uh huhs and okays. The last thing was we will discuss it when we get home.


Again, I will continue when I have the time. I hope you are enjoying my blog so far. Have any questions, concerns or comments. You can leave them at the bottom of the page. I have Math home work to get too. 

The Beginning...

So this is my first blog and I have never done anything like this before, never even been good at keeping a diary.
This blog is about my son and the experience I had when I got pregnant with him until I lost him. I am also keeping this blog to be able to get my emotions out as much as I possibly can. It helps me to know that its out there, its been said. People know!
First my name is Samantha and my journey started late November 2011, It is a Sunday and it is late.. I remember joking with my girl friend Stacy and she said, "Gosh! You are so hormonal, I bet your pregnant."
STOP.
I am 19 at the time and freaking out! I have just started dating my new boyfriend, his name is Matt. Me... pregnant, no way!
Sooo... I start laughing, and you know what she does too! It becomes a big joke and we decide to get a pregnancy test and play up our "joke" to Matt. Needless to say he came by and I provoked him by telling him out I had been craving things lately... and I was eating a bowl of cereal so I slurped down the milk and added, wow that is sooo good. He stared at me refusing to lose my gaze. I will assume he was blankly asking without words, really are you... pregnant. Well Stacy comes home and hands me the pregnancy test and my anxiety is at a low level, I'm good. I mean nothing to worry about right?
So here I go... off to the bathroom. I pee on the stick like normal and leave it on the counter. I don't even look at it like most women because I know what it is going to say. I am not pregnant, no way! Yet, I go sit down in the living room we have the movie "Radio" on and it's one of my favorites. Matt has never seen it so I am like what the heck we are definitely watching it. I gingerly get up and go check the stick, still playing up my "joke." I mean he must have thought I was champion actress... When I looked down, I immediately grabbed the paper, I mean something must be wrong with this stick right? hahahahaha... anxiety building. heart racing... cant breath, whats happening. Panic ATTACK! Is this a joke? It says positive. I feel as if it has been hours holding this stick in my hand, its trembling... I feel as if I may drop it! I walk slowly back to the living room honestly not out of purpose. I didn't feel like my legs were working. I stand staring blankly at Matt and he is not even looking my way, watching the movie. He finally looks my way and says "well..." with a smile on his face. I can't speak, my face is paralyzed. I am screaming IN MY HEAD I am pregnant, really... I am not joking. But still nothing comes out. He is now staring intently at me like he is about to run at me and demand answers. Here comes Stacy... apparently. She is in my face before I see her coming. I go to say I am, and she about knocks the pregnancy test out of my hand... or did she? I can't remember. I am so stunned at her absentminded reaction. She slaps my hand and screams, I am sure the whole freaking apartments complex has heard her... "Oh my gosh! Your pregnant Samantha! FOR REAL!"
Matt is now in utter shock and not even looking our way anymore. This is the moment... it is happening. I have my meltdown, I go to screaming crying like a two year old! I run to the bathroom and close the door, yelling what am I gonna do? What is happening? Why me? Please God tell me this is a joke. All of a sudden the world is falling down on me and the door to the bathroom opens interrupting my screams. Matt walks in and slowly walks to hug me, He says what every woman would want to hear yet now it is so funny... "It is okay baby... I am sure it was just a false positive." I am like oh yeah, that's possible... hmm, it is, has to be, right? He is consoling me until I stop screaming. I begin to feel excited in a weird way but immediately decide on going to the doctor to make sure.

I will continue tomorrow. Right now the cafeteria at my college just got really LOUD!
Not to mention it must be like 67 degrees in here. ugh, its cold... so i will be making an exit.