This blog is about my son and the experience I had when I got pregnant with him until I lost him. I am also keeping this blog to be able to get my emotions out as much as I possibly can. It helps me to know that its out there, its been said. People know!
First my name is Samantha and my journey started late November 2011, It is a Sunday and it is late.. I remember joking with my girl friend Stacy and she said, "Gosh! You are so hormonal, I bet your pregnant."
STOP.
I am 19 at the time and freaking out! I have just started dating my new boyfriend, his name is Matt. Me... pregnant, no way!
Sooo... I start laughing, and you know what she does too! It becomes a big joke and we decide to get a pregnancy test and play up our "joke" to Matt. Needless to say he came by and I provoked him by telling him out I had been craving things lately... and I was eating a bowl of cereal so I slurped down the milk and added, wow that is sooo good. He stared at me refusing to lose my gaze. I will assume he was blankly asking without words, really are you... pregnant. Well Stacy comes home and hands me the pregnancy test and my anxiety is at a low level, I'm good. I mean nothing to worry about right?
So here I go... off to the bathroom. I pee on the stick like normal and leave it on the counter. I don't even look at it like most women because I know what it is going to say. I am not pregnant, no way! Yet, I go sit down in the living room we have the movie "Radio" on and it's one of my favorites. Matt has never seen it so I am like what the heck we are definitely watching it. I gingerly get up and go check the stick, still playing up my "joke." I mean he must have thought I was champion actress... When I looked down, I immediately grabbed the paper, I mean something must be wrong with this stick right? hahahahaha... anxiety building. heart racing... cant breath, whats happening. Panic ATTACK! Is this a joke? It says positive. I feel as if it has been hours holding this stick in my hand, its trembling... I feel as if I may drop it! I walk slowly back to the living room honestly not out of purpose. I didn't feel like my legs were working. I stand staring blankly at Matt and he is not even looking my way, watching the movie. He finally looks my way and says "well..." with a smile on his face. I can't speak, my face is paralyzed. I am screaming IN MY HEAD I am pregnant, really... I am not joking. But still nothing comes out. He is now staring intently at me like he is about to run at me and demand answers. Here comes Stacy... apparently. She is in my face before I see her coming. I go to say I am, and she about knocks the pregnancy test out of my hand... or did she? I can't remember. I am so stunned at her absentminded reaction. She slaps my hand and screams, I am sure the whole freaking apartments complex has heard her... "Oh my gosh! Your pregnant Samantha! FOR REAL!"
Matt is now in utter shock and not even looking our way anymore. This is the moment... it is happening. I have my meltdown, I go to screaming crying like a two year old! I run to the bathroom and close the door, yelling what am I gonna do? What is happening? Why me? Please God tell me this is a joke. All of a sudden the world is falling down on me and the door to the bathroom opens interrupting my screams. Matt walks in and slowly walks to hug me, He says what every woman would want to hear yet now it is so funny... "It is okay baby... I am sure it was just a false positive." I am like oh yeah, that's possible... hmm, it is, has to be, right? He is consoling me until I stop screaming. I begin to feel excited in a weird way but immediately decide on going to the doctor to make sure.
Not to mention it must be like 67 degrees in here. ugh, its cold... so i will be making an exit.
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