This blog is not going to follow my story this is for me to release some of my feelings on the matter.
I am so angry that I do not have my son anymore, I really just feel like why? What did I do so bad? Am I going to be a bad mother? Did you take him because I did something. I keep thinking there is a verse... the sins of the mother and father. I don't want to blame myself, no! I keep telling myself it was not meant to be... but WHY? I only want to love and hold and cherish my son. I want to sing to him softly before he falls asleep. I want to argue and fight over who is going to change his diaper or feed him at 3am in the morning.
I am so sad and so angry.
anger.
anger.
& more anger.
Thats what I have built up inside of me. I was deprived of what I feel I needed most, if this was a act done on earth by another person they would be punished but because it was out of this world. Done by God, the merciful God that everyone talks about it is supposed to be okay.
I do not care that it was not meant to be. God could have made everything better... He is almighty. He could have changed the course of events, and then people say things like well maybe there would have been something terribly wrong with him, well God could have spared him of that too! & any other event that would have hurt or taken my son away from me.
Are we not here to procreate and to live life happy, forgetting our trespassers and forgiving them, so that we may remain happy. We have trials, but arnt we supposed to come out on top.
Yes I have changed, maybe even for the better.... BUT ANSWER ME THIS WOULDN'T HOLDING MY BABY IN MY ARMS CHANGE ME FOR THE BETTER TOO?
anger.
anger.
I feel like a two year old whining over a lost toy but its not like that at all. I lost my son, my baby, my precious little boy.
:/
Last night Bentleys dad and I ate dinner together and talked about things... it hurt him so much to think that I may even try again. See what this is doing to us? What I need to do, will kill him in the end. We had a good evening though, I am happy that we can remain friends through everything... that is one thing I can be thankful for.
Sorry for offending anyone, these are my feelings and I warned you.
I once read that if you are stronger than you realize when your honest about being mad at God. Most people wouldnt even consider saying it outloud. I am different, he knows... I know and now you all know. Please do me a favor though and save the comments on
Samantha dont be mad at God.
or he will see you through it.
or anything like that, it will only make me more angry.
i wont say dont be mad at god, cuz you have every reason to be..
ReplyDeletebut i am one for 'everything happens for a reason' maybe you would have been an amazing mother and deserved your baby.. but what about his father? would he have been there for him through his whole life? would he have continued to regret him even after he was born? would you have gotten married and lived happily ever after (because you WANTED to)?
maybe he was taken from you so you can find someone who wants to be a father and a husband that you and your child deserves..
and i may be out of line for saying that, if so i apologize.. just my thoughts?
I do understand your point, but Matt would have been a wonderful dad. I know we may not have made it but how many couples have done this everyday. That doesn't seem to help much. Things were bad, yes we didn't make it through them and if things wouldn't have gone bad we probably still wouldn't have but Bentley would still have great parents.
DeleteI hope the next baby I have will be with the right person. I think this will happen. I have hope... lots of it. Thank you for your response.
I was one of the biggest advocate of that exact saying until I loss my Addison. I don't think there is a good enough reason in the world why you would loose your baby/child. Yes, that baby has forever changed your life and hopefully eventually in a better way but that doesn't mean we could have found that exact way with our baby in our arms. I will always remember you entering our group and talking about your sweet Bentley. You would have and are a great Mother to Bentley.
ReplyDelete