I guess I should let you guys in on what happened...
Next thing I know I am telling Steve I am pregnant. He doesn't really say anything but I can tell you... I could here him gritting his teeth from a few feet away! I knew he was mad, and he just asked a few questions. I was mad now, HOW DARE HE GET MAD? WHAT! I am the one that is pregnant... DID YOU FORGET THAT.
but...
what was really bothering me was the fact that everyone was disappointed in me. I was in college, I had two jobs... what would happen to me? NO ONE really believed that I could make it. Not one person really wanted to think that I could be any different? Hadn't I always been? I am the driven one. The child who doesn't give up but it felt like all in one day no one would ever believe that again. I know I stated over and over that I could make it, that I wouldn't quit school. That I wouldn't quit school or my jobs? I was upset... slipping even into depression.
Somehow as the next few days went by I found myself holding my belly... laughing and smiling at it and even talking to my little one. I was happy, truly happy. I was going to have a baby and that had to be the most amazing thing in the world. WHO CARED if no one believed in me. I DID!
Sorry so short, not a lot of time! UP NEXT:
Matt's parents... telling someone you don't really know that their son is going to have a baby...
Friday, September 21, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Telling my mom & Steve
Sorry guys I know I have been slacking... but I haven't felt like doing much of nothing lately. Some irrational fears have gotten to me and caused me to think a lot about what happened and what could happen... but let me get back to my story.
After telling my dads family we decided to take the trip to my moms, our plan was to knock it all out in one night. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was when we took that 15 minute ride. I begin to tremble and dream up a scheme of what I would say and what would be my moms response. I was more scared of Steve's response because as much respect and love as I have for my step dad. I knew it would take awhile for him to come around and I didn't feel like I needed to tell him. At least thats they way I was playing it out in my head.
I got to my moms, Matt and I absentmindedly take our time getting out of the care and sharing silent stares continue up to the door. As always Steve greets us with a warm smile and a hug,
(Now for some background, Steve and Matt had a very bad start. I allowed Matt to come into the house & into my bedroom with out any of the parents home. We weren't together at this time and we weren't doing anything. I find it hard to understand why I did this, but I was not use to the parental supervision so it was a little new. Steve kicked Matt out and well needless to say had a bad taste in his mouth for him already!)
Back to the story....
We come in and I basically bustle by Steve and say I need to talk to mom. Matt follows behind me and we step into my moms room. She is laying in the bed watching TV and as we come in she just gives me a what is it look. I had previously called her and told her to make sure she was at home because I was coming by at 6:15. This was abnormal and at this moment I feel like she knows what I am going to say. I close the door and she asks why am I closing Steve out. My eyes wide, my heart throbbing hard relentless beats I tell her that I am pregnant. She smiles warmly at me and takes my hand and her response is at the time ridiculous but at the same time a weight has been lifted atleast momentarally. She says, "God makes babies for a reason." I am like what? Really that is your response? Your not going to get out of the bed and knock me across the head? & maybe even take Matt out while your at it. Your not going to scream and rant and cry like I always imagined?
Nope... nada, nothing. She is calm.. really calm, but then she says the one thing I have been dreading. Open the door... really mom, no I don't want to tell Steve. BUT I open the door and mom calls for him to come upstairs. Here he is. & you know what my mom does? She "encourages" the situation. "Sam, tell Steve what you told me..." Now I am looking at my mom like I want to hit her... (I love you, mom) I am freaking... heart again on the rise. Steve I am pregnant... I say almost too fast.
..... & I am going to leave you guys hanging today.
but I would like to blog about what today means to me. Today is September 19... every month on this day I dip down into my depressive state and become the "quite" samantha that no one knows. That not many understand. I don't cry much anymore... I follow my day through like a ghost. Endless it feels like, school, home, work, school work, dinner & bed. I know the days events but they seem to unimportant. More days that today feel like this but it is on this day, I let myself feel this way. It is on this day that I LET myself remember everything.
I love my son, I will always love him. Time only passes because it has too... I have a new found hope in life but not one that anyone should ever have.
Rest Easy my love, Bentley Matthew Maness.
Mommy and Daddy Love you!
After telling my dads family we decided to take the trip to my moms, our plan was to knock it all out in one night. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was when we took that 15 minute ride. I begin to tremble and dream up a scheme of what I would say and what would be my moms response. I was more scared of Steve's response because as much respect and love as I have for my step dad. I knew it would take awhile for him to come around and I didn't feel like I needed to tell him. At least thats they way I was playing it out in my head.
I got to my moms, Matt and I absentmindedly take our time getting out of the care and sharing silent stares continue up to the door. As always Steve greets us with a warm smile and a hug,
(Now for some background, Steve and Matt had a very bad start. I allowed Matt to come into the house & into my bedroom with out any of the parents home. We weren't together at this time and we weren't doing anything. I find it hard to understand why I did this, but I was not use to the parental supervision so it was a little new. Steve kicked Matt out and well needless to say had a bad taste in his mouth for him already!)
Back to the story....
We come in and I basically bustle by Steve and say I need to talk to mom. Matt follows behind me and we step into my moms room. She is laying in the bed watching TV and as we come in she just gives me a what is it look. I had previously called her and told her to make sure she was at home because I was coming by at 6:15. This was abnormal and at this moment I feel like she knows what I am going to say. I close the door and she asks why am I closing Steve out. My eyes wide, my heart throbbing hard relentless beats I tell her that I am pregnant. She smiles warmly at me and takes my hand and her response is at the time ridiculous but at the same time a weight has been lifted atleast momentarally. She says, "God makes babies for a reason." I am like what? Really that is your response? Your not going to get out of the bed and knock me across the head? & maybe even take Matt out while your at it. Your not going to scream and rant and cry like I always imagined?
Nope... nada, nothing. She is calm.. really calm, but then she says the one thing I have been dreading. Open the door... really mom, no I don't want to tell Steve. BUT I open the door and mom calls for him to come upstairs. Here he is. & you know what my mom does? She "encourages" the situation. "Sam, tell Steve what you told me..." Now I am looking at my mom like I want to hit her... (I love you, mom) I am freaking... heart again on the rise. Steve I am pregnant... I say almost too fast.
..... & I am going to leave you guys hanging today.
but I would like to blog about what today means to me. Today is September 19... every month on this day I dip down into my depressive state and become the "quite" samantha that no one knows. That not many understand. I don't cry much anymore... I follow my day through like a ghost. Endless it feels like, school, home, work, school work, dinner & bed. I know the days events but they seem to unimportant. More days that today feel like this but it is on this day, I let myself feel this way. It is on this day that I LET myself remember everything.
I love my son, I will always love him. Time only passes because it has too... I have a new found hope in life but not one that anyone should ever have.
Rest Easy my love, Bentley Matthew Maness.
Mommy and Daddy Love you!
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