Hope-- it is human nature to never give up because to give up is death. That is all I did was hope...
At 21 weeks and 4 days I had an appointment at the Thomasville OBGYN and it was just a regular appointment where they were going to check for the heartbeat and talk to me about the specialist had said and where we were going to go from there. I went in, waited and laid back on the table when the doctor came in with the doppler. All smiles in the room and not a single doubt in anyone's mind that this was just another appointment. Doctor checked and checked and then slightly panicked, brought me into the ultrasound room himself and looked for Bentleys heartbeat... and there is was a soft beat coming from my little baby. It was not as fast as it was normally and the doctor said not to be concerned and asked me when my next appointment was. I told him tomorrow and I was satisfied with that. I knew my little fighter was not giving up by no means. I never lost hope... hours later when Matt came home he immediately went in on me and we both blew up on each other. Crying and screaming I tried to calm myself down knowing I was harming the baby. After the day I had; had how dare he?! I went for a drive and cried, screamed and yelled to God what only a small portion of my family knows... "God please don't let me lose my baby... I am trying so hard to calm down! Help me! I don't understand why this is happening to me, please, please don't take him from me." I came home... went to my room & locked the door. Matt came back there sometime later got mad because I would not let him sleep in the bed, went to the couch and we both fell asleep. 5:30 came early and I got up to pee and went back to bed, Matt came in the room got on his knees whispered something to Bentley, told him he loved him and kissed my belly. I got up and feeling bad about the night before and not really wanting to fight asked him if he would come to my appointment. It was the same answer every time... no. We argued a little again about how he never did and his son should mean more to him than his job and I reminded him that we didn't know how long according to the doctors. This seemed to push him out the door as he left for work. I went back to sleep until around 9am and I got up, took a shower and my mom came and got me for my appointment at 10.
Sitting in the wait room my mom asked me if I had felt Bentley kicking any lately (it had really slowed down but to me was no cause for concern because the doctor could explain it all) I said you know not really... and began to think of the last time but then I felt a little reassuring kick in the side and I beamed as I told her that he always did that. We were called back to the room and the ultrasound tech was one I had never met before, all smiles like always as she introduced herself and went to work... one, two, three pictures. "I'll be right back.." My heart stopped... I watched the screen so closely, I had already been to a million appointment there were never just three... there were like 50 and it took at least half an hour sometimes over an hour. I looked at my mom and told her something is wrong. She tried to reassure me but my mind raced over the images, no heart beat... no movement... nothing. I cried inside and begged God to let this be a mistake, please let me be scared for nothing. She was new (at least to me) maybe she just needed help with something.
Another doctor came in one I had seen quite a few times and said the words that shattered my heart forever... "Samantha its like we thought, the baby doesn't have a heart beat; I am going to double check myself but I'm afraid (so & so) is probably correct." She checks... confirmed. Gives me a minute and I sit up button my pants and look at my mom and just start crying... how could God have done this to me, what had I done so bad? My baby... my son... my first baby! Crying or not I was in utter shock... I had felt him move! No this isn't happening, they are wrong.
Doctor comes back in and asks me if I would like to go home and digest this information or would I like to go ahead to the hospital, and as I look at her quizzically she says they did explain what would happen if you were to lose him this late right? No... amazingly not one doctor ever mentioned it. She gave me two choices, a complicated version of a D&C where they pull the baby out in parts and it could cause for infection and revisits to the hospital or I could give birth. My mom insisted I go ahead to the hospital and I knew the only choice for me was birth.
I am currently upsetting myself pretty bad writing this & being pregnant it is not healthy to get this upset so I will continue on when I can. Thank you for reading.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Happiness(:
Bentley never had a chance according to the doctors but that is all I thought over the next few weeks. At 17 weeks I was sitting in my living room chair in the middle of the night and all of a sudden I felt something like bubbles... but it felt different than gas which is what everyone said it could have been. I did not believe it at first but then it happened again. Tears immediately sprang into my eyes and I felt like hope was alive in me and in my baby boy. I was so excited that I ran into the bedroom to tell Matt I had felt Bentley move, of course he was half asleep and barley even took what I said to heart. I thought immediately this was a sign, they had been telling me at every appointment how to prepare for the end. So my thoughts were well if he is kicking me than he is not ready for any kind of "end" either. I was so happy... like can't even explain that kind of happiness.
Days moved forward and so did we... there was no stopping life. Bentley would kick me and I would know everything was okay. Doctors still assured me we were no closer to better than worse and that death was still around the corner. I was told at every appointment to consider abortion and I told them at every appointment that was not a choice. I never gave up hope and it helped me get through every single day. No matter how long or how hard the days became. I began to swell... at this point around 18 weeks I had lost 17 pounds but you could not tell by looking at me. My stomach was so far out I had random people asking when I was due. My wrist and fingers swelled and my feet and ankles began to hurt. The doctors just said swelling was normal, I had been to the ER three times in the last two weeks and I think they were sick and tired of seeing me. The ER visits did not stop and I began to worry about the swelling. I was told rest, rest, rest and yet I was working two jobs. So I made the decision to quit on of them and then soon after was told to stay off my feet and had to quit my other job. Matt hated it.. as a matter a fact he threw it in my face often how "lazy" I was and I began to wish he wouldn't come home. We despised each other on a level that was unhealthy. I wish that I could say that it got better but it didn't it just got worse.
Around 20.5 weeks I had a doctors appointment and we found out that Bentley probably had "club" foot and that was why he was not moving a lot along with the swelling. He was too big and everything was just horrible but it was the same as the week before just new doctors with new eyes. The doctor than did the best thing in the world for me, he gave me hope. He did not offer abortion and he did not tell me really anything bad. He told me that in a few short weeks they would start giving me shots so that Bentley's lungs would rapidly develop and at 28 weeks they would offer induction. I can tell you I was beaming leaving that appointment and my happiness lingered with me.
Too... be....continued.
Days moved forward and so did we... there was no stopping life. Bentley would kick me and I would know everything was okay. Doctors still assured me we were no closer to better than worse and that death was still around the corner. I was told at every appointment to consider abortion and I told them at every appointment that was not a choice. I never gave up hope and it helped me get through every single day. No matter how long or how hard the days became. I began to swell... at this point around 18 weeks I had lost 17 pounds but you could not tell by looking at me. My stomach was so far out I had random people asking when I was due. My wrist and fingers swelled and my feet and ankles began to hurt. The doctors just said swelling was normal, I had been to the ER three times in the last two weeks and I think they were sick and tired of seeing me. The ER visits did not stop and I began to worry about the swelling. I was told rest, rest, rest and yet I was working two jobs. So I made the decision to quit on of them and then soon after was told to stay off my feet and had to quit my other job. Matt hated it.. as a matter a fact he threw it in my face often how "lazy" I was and I began to wish he wouldn't come home. We despised each other on a level that was unhealthy. I wish that I could say that it got better but it didn't it just got worse.
Around 20.5 weeks I had a doctors appointment and we found out that Bentley probably had "club" foot and that was why he was not moving a lot along with the swelling. He was too big and everything was just horrible but it was the same as the week before just new doctors with new eyes. The doctor than did the best thing in the world for me, he gave me hope. He did not offer abortion and he did not tell me really anything bad. He told me that in a few short weeks they would start giving me shots so that Bentley's lungs would rapidly develop and at 28 weeks they would offer induction. I can tell you I was beaming leaving that appointment and my happiness lingered with me.
Too... be....continued.
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