The trip to the hospital was short lived as it was around the corner... There were no bags packed for me; no welcoming home outfit for Bentley. There was no happiness in the world at all it seemed. Such a beautiful day, I stared out the window on our short drive it was the first of many spring days and the sky was clear and a beautiful baby blue. I felt numb but was beginning to understand my new found pain in the only way that you can when losing apart of yourself. Pulling into the hospital I turned my heart against it all, pushed the numbness all over my body and made the journey to my room. They set me up an IV but was in no rush to start anything. They gave me plenty of time to adjust to my surroundings, we even ate lunch while we waited.
Now looking back I realize I was in utter shock, I smiled as people walked in and even was in some of the ongoing conversations. Everyone wore sad faces and everyone did not know what to say... little did I know this was the first over the course of time that I would get this reaction to the news. My phone died and we had them plugged up... I remember simply putting it on Facebook that Bentley had gone on to be with Jesus. I think letting everyone know that way was a shock to them and yet I felt nothing. I felt absolutely insane.. it was like a voice in my head telling me how I should be reacting but I was just not reacting that way at all. I was hardly showing tears and I was not screaming or begging for my babies life, although I knew he would never come back to me no matter what I did.
I wanted no one and yet everyone... I wanted to be alone but knew if I was that something dark would creep in. I wanted death like I had never in my life. I hated life yet went on living that day because God did not see fit to take me home with my son.
Laying in that bed with the nurses fussing over how comfortable I was, my temperature was high and no one had a clue. I was so swollen... I did not recognize my feet anymore or really even my hands. I felt crummy but at a time like this who knows how your suppose to feel. Finally a nurse took my temperature and realize it was well above the norm. I was climbing to 104 and they immediately wanted to put antibiotics in me. In my own sick way I looked back on this moment and wished I would have refused... I could have went home to be with my son and even though I know that now I need to live for the future and remember him in my own way my dark days always let this thought creep up in my mind.
If you understand the darkness than you understand how twisted your thoughts can become if it just mean reuniting with your son or daughter. I was at a loss for sanity some days. But anyways continuing on...
After several hours I still was not getting any better and the doctor decided it was time to give me Pitocin. This was to jump start my labor so that I could give birth to my little boy. In my head at this time I am yelling at the doctors why no ultrasound... just to be sure? I mean your just going to go on a ultrasound done hours ago? Maybe there was a miracle or they made a mistake but for some reason but I never opened my mouth. I wished in my head so many times for Bentley to be born crying or something and the doctors would be baffled but hey I would have my son ALIVE. That is all I wanted... I carried him, I had felt him move and kick and even saw him a dozen times doing all of this. I had heard his heartbeat so many times... how could this be.
But it was and there was no changing that. Labor came quickly but Bentley didn't. I was in so much pain and agony. I got an epidural and for a while the pain seem to dim. I still felt my contractions but not quite as heavily. Finally almost 11 hours later things quickened and I felt it all.. I was screaming and hollering and throwing myself back and forth in the bed; & here is where I totally understand when someone says you feel like you are having an "out of body" experience. I was talking to myself but only in my head. Saying what are you doing? Calm down, no reason to act like this. Get yourself together its just pain, its nothing compared to what comes next. I look back now and am amazed at how my thoughts did not even slightly stop my physical body from reacting. I was given shots of morphine, nothing... it felt like they maybe gave me Tylenol or something... the pain was in waves but they were coming strong and was told to push but the doctor was so concerned with my pain level as they were out of options for medicine and I could still feel everything. Finally I felt myself push Bentley out... and I heard; "you did good"
WHAT? I just gave birth to a child that can't cry, will never laugh, will never know me a mommy on this earth and I did good... How dare whoever said that. I did not do GOOD... you crazy person. I couldn't do the one thing that a mother should be able to do and that was protect my child and save him from his sickness. I did all I could, sure... but at that time I was just wanting to slap someone for saying that.
12:24am... Bentley Matthew Maness was born sleeping, no cries, nothing. Yet in my head I was so mad... so I began asking questions where did they take him, where is he, why isnt he with me. I mean this is not how it happened in the movies. I saw a million of them they hold the baby up and say "ITS A BOY!" and hand the baby over for a few moments to the mom who looks like she has died and risen and now cries in joy for her new baby.
Now trust me I know this sounds crazy and it was... I wanted my son, in the same way that everyone else wanted theirs. How dare they take this moment from me?
Soon after they made me push the stupid placenta out (the absolute worse part of labor) and then allowed me to "rest" (this part is really out of focus for me; too many drugs in my system).
Finally I remember a nurse coming in than two or three more over the hour to ask if I wanted to hold my baby each time. Each time I said yes but it was like they wanted to make sure so they kept on asking until a doctor approached me and asked, I said yes again. They tried to convince me not to hold him or see him and even went as far as saying; "You need to understand he does not look like a normal baby... and blah blah" REALLY? YOUR KIDDING? I felt like they thought I was stupid but I know they were just prepping me.
A nurse brought him to me and I felt complete for one moment in my life... My heart was in my hands. I hardly cried... in my head all I wanted was for the short while that I had him was to smile, and tell him how much he meant to me. I cannot tell you what was said... I don't remember really. I just know that I looked crazy to at the time my stupid boyfriend, Bentley's dad. He would never understand and I did not know that laying there in that bed holding our son. Matt put his arms around both of us and cried... our little family together for the only time.
It seemed to last a few seconds before they asked for him back and I felt resistant but was easily talked into giving him to the nurses by Matt. I know regret this more than anything. I wish I would have held him longer, not had so many drugs in my system that I could understand what was happening, but they took him.
My blood was rechecked and I was not allowed to leave the room because my electrolytes were too low. I would have to wait in here and I don't remember it at all. I think I may have passed out or talked to Matt... It is all a blur. Finally they took my epidural out several hours later and moved me to a new room.
I stayed in this room for several days with people coming in and out. I hardly slept and wouldn't eat anything but crackers. This was the first of several days that started this painful reality. I did not want to leave the hospital unlike most people; I thought if I was alone than the darkness would creep in and take over... I was very afraid of what I might do.
That's all for this blog. Please understand that it is not your place to judge and I do not care for comments on how God blessed me or anything remotely close. This was very hard and I hope everyone who reads it can see how things truly effect women like me.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Pain Takes Over
Hope-- it is human nature to never give up because to give up is death. That is all I did was hope...
At 21 weeks and 4 days I had an appointment at the Thomasville OBGYN and it was just a regular appointment where they were going to check for the heartbeat and talk to me about the specialist had said and where we were going to go from there. I went in, waited and laid back on the table when the doctor came in with the doppler. All smiles in the room and not a single doubt in anyone's mind that this was just another appointment. Doctor checked and checked and then slightly panicked, brought me into the ultrasound room himself and looked for Bentleys heartbeat... and there is was a soft beat coming from my little baby. It was not as fast as it was normally and the doctor said not to be concerned and asked me when my next appointment was. I told him tomorrow and I was satisfied with that. I knew my little fighter was not giving up by no means. I never lost hope... hours later when Matt came home he immediately went in on me and we both blew up on each other. Crying and screaming I tried to calm myself down knowing I was harming the baby. After the day I had; had how dare he?! I went for a drive and cried, screamed and yelled to God what only a small portion of my family knows... "God please don't let me lose my baby... I am trying so hard to calm down! Help me! I don't understand why this is happening to me, please, please don't take him from me." I came home... went to my room & locked the door. Matt came back there sometime later got mad because I would not let him sleep in the bed, went to the couch and we both fell asleep. 5:30 came early and I got up to pee and went back to bed, Matt came in the room got on his knees whispered something to Bentley, told him he loved him and kissed my belly. I got up and feeling bad about the night before and not really wanting to fight asked him if he would come to my appointment. It was the same answer every time... no. We argued a little again about how he never did and his son should mean more to him than his job and I reminded him that we didn't know how long according to the doctors. This seemed to push him out the door as he left for work. I went back to sleep until around 9am and I got up, took a shower and my mom came and got me for my appointment at 10.
Sitting in the wait room my mom asked me if I had felt Bentley kicking any lately (it had really slowed down but to me was no cause for concern because the doctor could explain it all) I said you know not really... and began to think of the last time but then I felt a little reassuring kick in the side and I beamed as I told her that he always did that. We were called back to the room and the ultrasound tech was one I had never met before, all smiles like always as she introduced herself and went to work... one, two, three pictures. "I'll be right back.." My heart stopped... I watched the screen so closely, I had already been to a million appointment there were never just three... there were like 50 and it took at least half an hour sometimes over an hour. I looked at my mom and told her something is wrong. She tried to reassure me but my mind raced over the images, no heart beat... no movement... nothing. I cried inside and begged God to let this be a mistake, please let me be scared for nothing. She was new (at least to me) maybe she just needed help with something.
Another doctor came in one I had seen quite a few times and said the words that shattered my heart forever... "Samantha its like we thought, the baby doesn't have a heart beat; I am going to double check myself but I'm afraid (so & so) is probably correct." She checks... confirmed. Gives me a minute and I sit up button my pants and look at my mom and just start crying... how could God have done this to me, what had I done so bad? My baby... my son... my first baby! Crying or not I was in utter shock... I had felt him move! No this isn't happening, they are wrong.
Doctor comes back in and asks me if I would like to go home and digest this information or would I like to go ahead to the hospital, and as I look at her quizzically she says they did explain what would happen if you were to lose him this late right? No... amazingly not one doctor ever mentioned it. She gave me two choices, a complicated version of a D&C where they pull the baby out in parts and it could cause for infection and revisits to the hospital or I could give birth. My mom insisted I go ahead to the hospital and I knew the only choice for me was birth.
I am currently upsetting myself pretty bad writing this & being pregnant it is not healthy to get this upset so I will continue on when I can. Thank you for reading.
At 21 weeks and 4 days I had an appointment at the Thomasville OBGYN and it was just a regular appointment where they were going to check for the heartbeat and talk to me about the specialist had said and where we were going to go from there. I went in, waited and laid back on the table when the doctor came in with the doppler. All smiles in the room and not a single doubt in anyone's mind that this was just another appointment. Doctor checked and checked and then slightly panicked, brought me into the ultrasound room himself and looked for Bentleys heartbeat... and there is was a soft beat coming from my little baby. It was not as fast as it was normally and the doctor said not to be concerned and asked me when my next appointment was. I told him tomorrow and I was satisfied with that. I knew my little fighter was not giving up by no means. I never lost hope... hours later when Matt came home he immediately went in on me and we both blew up on each other. Crying and screaming I tried to calm myself down knowing I was harming the baby. After the day I had; had how dare he?! I went for a drive and cried, screamed and yelled to God what only a small portion of my family knows... "God please don't let me lose my baby... I am trying so hard to calm down! Help me! I don't understand why this is happening to me, please, please don't take him from me." I came home... went to my room & locked the door. Matt came back there sometime later got mad because I would not let him sleep in the bed, went to the couch and we both fell asleep. 5:30 came early and I got up to pee and went back to bed, Matt came in the room got on his knees whispered something to Bentley, told him he loved him and kissed my belly. I got up and feeling bad about the night before and not really wanting to fight asked him if he would come to my appointment. It was the same answer every time... no. We argued a little again about how he never did and his son should mean more to him than his job and I reminded him that we didn't know how long according to the doctors. This seemed to push him out the door as he left for work. I went back to sleep until around 9am and I got up, took a shower and my mom came and got me for my appointment at 10.
Sitting in the wait room my mom asked me if I had felt Bentley kicking any lately (it had really slowed down but to me was no cause for concern because the doctor could explain it all) I said you know not really... and began to think of the last time but then I felt a little reassuring kick in the side and I beamed as I told her that he always did that. We were called back to the room and the ultrasound tech was one I had never met before, all smiles like always as she introduced herself and went to work... one, two, three pictures. "I'll be right back.." My heart stopped... I watched the screen so closely, I had already been to a million appointment there were never just three... there were like 50 and it took at least half an hour sometimes over an hour. I looked at my mom and told her something is wrong. She tried to reassure me but my mind raced over the images, no heart beat... no movement... nothing. I cried inside and begged God to let this be a mistake, please let me be scared for nothing. She was new (at least to me) maybe she just needed help with something.
Another doctor came in one I had seen quite a few times and said the words that shattered my heart forever... "Samantha its like we thought, the baby doesn't have a heart beat; I am going to double check myself but I'm afraid (so & so) is probably correct." She checks... confirmed. Gives me a minute and I sit up button my pants and look at my mom and just start crying... how could God have done this to me, what had I done so bad? My baby... my son... my first baby! Crying or not I was in utter shock... I had felt him move! No this isn't happening, they are wrong.
Doctor comes back in and asks me if I would like to go home and digest this information or would I like to go ahead to the hospital, and as I look at her quizzically she says they did explain what would happen if you were to lose him this late right? No... amazingly not one doctor ever mentioned it. She gave me two choices, a complicated version of a D&C where they pull the baby out in parts and it could cause for infection and revisits to the hospital or I could give birth. My mom insisted I go ahead to the hospital and I knew the only choice for me was birth.
I am currently upsetting myself pretty bad writing this & being pregnant it is not healthy to get this upset so I will continue on when I can. Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Happiness(:
Bentley never had a chance according to the doctors but that is all I thought over the next few weeks. At 17 weeks I was sitting in my living room chair in the middle of the night and all of a sudden I felt something like bubbles... but it felt different than gas which is what everyone said it could have been. I did not believe it at first but then it happened again. Tears immediately sprang into my eyes and I felt like hope was alive in me and in my baby boy. I was so excited that I ran into the bedroom to tell Matt I had felt Bentley move, of course he was half asleep and barley even took what I said to heart. I thought immediately this was a sign, they had been telling me at every appointment how to prepare for the end. So my thoughts were well if he is kicking me than he is not ready for any kind of "end" either. I was so happy... like can't even explain that kind of happiness.
Days moved forward and so did we... there was no stopping life. Bentley would kick me and I would know everything was okay. Doctors still assured me we were no closer to better than worse and that death was still around the corner. I was told at every appointment to consider abortion and I told them at every appointment that was not a choice. I never gave up hope and it helped me get through every single day. No matter how long or how hard the days became. I began to swell... at this point around 18 weeks I had lost 17 pounds but you could not tell by looking at me. My stomach was so far out I had random people asking when I was due. My wrist and fingers swelled and my feet and ankles began to hurt. The doctors just said swelling was normal, I had been to the ER three times in the last two weeks and I think they were sick and tired of seeing me. The ER visits did not stop and I began to worry about the swelling. I was told rest, rest, rest and yet I was working two jobs. So I made the decision to quit on of them and then soon after was told to stay off my feet and had to quit my other job. Matt hated it.. as a matter a fact he threw it in my face often how "lazy" I was and I began to wish he wouldn't come home. We despised each other on a level that was unhealthy. I wish that I could say that it got better but it didn't it just got worse.
Around 20.5 weeks I had a doctors appointment and we found out that Bentley probably had "club" foot and that was why he was not moving a lot along with the swelling. He was too big and everything was just horrible but it was the same as the week before just new doctors with new eyes. The doctor than did the best thing in the world for me, he gave me hope. He did not offer abortion and he did not tell me really anything bad. He told me that in a few short weeks they would start giving me shots so that Bentley's lungs would rapidly develop and at 28 weeks they would offer induction. I can tell you I was beaming leaving that appointment and my happiness lingered with me.
Too... be....continued.
Days moved forward and so did we... there was no stopping life. Bentley would kick me and I would know everything was okay. Doctors still assured me we were no closer to better than worse and that death was still around the corner. I was told at every appointment to consider abortion and I told them at every appointment that was not a choice. I never gave up hope and it helped me get through every single day. No matter how long or how hard the days became. I began to swell... at this point around 18 weeks I had lost 17 pounds but you could not tell by looking at me. My stomach was so far out I had random people asking when I was due. My wrist and fingers swelled and my feet and ankles began to hurt. The doctors just said swelling was normal, I had been to the ER three times in the last two weeks and I think they were sick and tired of seeing me. The ER visits did not stop and I began to worry about the swelling. I was told rest, rest, rest and yet I was working two jobs. So I made the decision to quit on of them and then soon after was told to stay off my feet and had to quit my other job. Matt hated it.. as a matter a fact he threw it in my face often how "lazy" I was and I began to wish he wouldn't come home. We despised each other on a level that was unhealthy. I wish that I could say that it got better but it didn't it just got worse.
Around 20.5 weeks I had a doctors appointment and we found out that Bentley probably had "club" foot and that was why he was not moving a lot along with the swelling. He was too big and everything was just horrible but it was the same as the week before just new doctors with new eyes. The doctor than did the best thing in the world for me, he gave me hope. He did not offer abortion and he did not tell me really anything bad. He told me that in a few short weeks they would start giving me shots so that Bentley's lungs would rapidly develop and at 28 weeks they would offer induction. I can tell you I was beaming leaving that appointment and my happiness lingered with me.
Too... be....continued.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
week to week... day by day.
After the genetic appointment we were told we were going day by day with son and he could pass away at anytime. I was constantly reminded of my rights to termination and that no one would blame me, what about me?.. wouldn't I blame me? This actually never crossed my mind as a choice though because I knew for me that it was wrong and my son deserved every chance in the world.
I never doubted my son, I never once made preparations or thought this could be it. I cried a lot because it was hard but I just knew that he was coming home. I did not care how long he had to be in the hospital I knew he was coming home. I was dead wrong... more wrong than I ever thought I could be.
The support that I received through the next few weeks was amazing. My mom was there everyday telling me it was going to be okay. The prayer chains that were started was astonishing. I received messages from people telling me their churches were praying for my unborn son and I truly felt nothing could go wrong. My family loved my baby and they never gave up on him either... it was amazing. No one believed it was possible to lose him... we were all in such denial.
The only thing wrong was Matt and I couldn't get a long; long enough to show each other why we were really upset. I couldn't understand him and he seemed to not even care to understand me. We were broken and so was our relationship. From friends to lovers to enemies as fast as we first said hello. It was the shortest and most stressful relationship I have ever been in. In those weeks that passed we grew further and further apart and yet our love for our son just grew.
to be continued...
I never doubted my son, I never once made preparations or thought this could be it. I cried a lot because it was hard but I just knew that he was coming home. I did not care how long he had to be in the hospital I knew he was coming home. I was dead wrong... more wrong than I ever thought I could be.
The support that I received through the next few weeks was amazing. My mom was there everyday telling me it was going to be okay. The prayer chains that were started was astonishing. I received messages from people telling me their churches were praying for my unborn son and I truly felt nothing could go wrong. My family loved my baby and they never gave up on him either... it was amazing. No one believed it was possible to lose him... we were all in such denial.
The only thing wrong was Matt and I couldn't get a long; long enough to show each other why we were really upset. I couldn't understand him and he seemed to not even care to understand me. We were broken and so was our relationship. From friends to lovers to enemies as fast as we first said hello. It was the shortest and most stressful relationship I have ever been in. In those weeks that passed we grew further and further apart and yet our love for our son just grew.
to be continued...
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