Halloween :/ & Ultrasound Follow-up

Hello and WELCOME BACK to my page.
Happy Halloween everyone, hope that your having a great day and have been having a wonderful Wednesday!
I want to say to all the victims of Hurrican Sandys wrath that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am saddened by all the damage, loss and death. I hope that everyone watching will also keep them in your thoughts.

So in my last blog, I told you guys about how I went to the ER and in this one I want to talk to you about the follow up appointment with my home OBGYN. I want to say that Thomasville OBGYN is the absolute best! The doctors there made me feel more comfortable, more hope and more happiness and without them I may have not got to feel the joys of my pregnancy.
So I went to the OBGYN the next day and signed in and waited. Pregnant women all around and I think hmm... I wonder if anyone else in here is scared to death of today's appointment? I am shaking a little, my nerves have always been bad but now I am beating myself up about it. STOP Samantha, I say in my head. "You know its bad for the baby..." I continue this until my name is called and I finally feel like I am going to have some answers. If I could count the times that I had been dead wrong in my pregnancy it wouldn't be possible to use my fingers. I hated the shaky feeling I had but was enlightened when I went in and  vitals and blood pressure checked out. Oddly enough I lost eight pounds and my nurse was warning me losing too much could cause problems; but that it was normal to lose some weight. I thought that the decrease may have something to do with the sickness I had only a few days earlier.
I was put into th ultrasound room and awaited my answers... the tech came in and asked me to explain to her why I was here. I told her everything the doctor had said to me and she just shook her head and with a light airy laugh she explained that ER doctors are rushed and usually don't have time to really assess any "problems" so that not to worry everything was probably okay. As she prepped me for the ultrasound we talked about how I had been eating and my weight loss. She was in the middle of cascading the reader across my belly when her face lost her smile. She became almost distant as if talking to me anymore would cause more problems. I now know this is in case she was wrong that she would have gotten into trouble. She looked at the screen back at me and said I am so sorry I said that before your ultrasound, there is something quite wrong, I need to go get the doctor.

She went and informed the doctor of the ultrasound and came back and proceeded to print me plenty of pictures of my beautiful son. She asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said I better now, Matt isn't here and he might kill me. She said okay and I begin to ask a million and five questions. All she said to me was that it looked like Cystic Hygroma and the doctor would explain.

I waited for about 30 minutes and the doctor came in and immediately hugged me before going into his "update" He said he was sorry to inform me but the baby looked to have several problems and he was sorry they had not noticed anything at my 6 week ultrasound but it was more likely that the baby had developed them sometime within the last 7 weeks. I waited for him to get down to the real news and when he did I was shocked to hear things like "genetic chromosomal disorders" "cystic hygroma" "hydrops" "turners syndrome" and many other words I had not yet let digest. He wanted me to see a specialist and they would determine further what could be done if anything.

For those of you who don't know what cystic hygroma is, it is a mass of cysts that build up on the baby's neck and can continue down the spinal column. It is where the baby's lympthaic system is immature and instead of sending the fluids through the body the way it is supposed to happen it becomes small and larger collections of fluid.

I did a lot of research as I was told not to when I left the doctor informed me that the internet was a scary place to look at things like this and I should wait to hear it from a specialist who could inform me correctly. I did not have the patience for this however and looked up a few "key terms" to help my growing curiosity.

I will continue the story... next week. Hope you are enjoying my blog... I know it can be hard for some of you and this is why I share my story. I want everyone who is looking to understand and looking for some guidance to have that.

On top of my story I want to tell you how I have been lately. I have felt horrible, just down and out. I don't know what to do. It is like I am in a dark place and cannot get out of it. I just want to wake up and this all be a dream... I know that I won't and I have to keep pushing. But for those of you out there that have went through this you know what I mean... the pain, the spiraling up and down and the days you feel like youll never smile again. For those of you just starting to live this nightmare, know that the grieving process is normal. There will be bad times and good times and all the in between. We will make it through this, and we can do it together!

Today is no exception, I wanted so badly to dress Bentley up for Halloween, I was so excited he would only be a few months old for his first Halloween, he wouldn't remember it but I would... now I just feel empty. I want to hide away and not have to think about anything. Holidays seem like they will be like this for the rest of my life. Plans made, and then destroyed... the hurt will always be there and I wish for one second all of us going through this, mothers and fathers that it didn't have to be this way. We deserved our babies... that's my final thought. Sorry so long.

Bad News, but not the Worst.

Corrections!!!
I want to apologize to my best friend Staci for leaving her out of my last video, I didn't mean too. When I go to blog something I try to remember with the best detail but some things get left out and I am sorry for that.

I want to continue my story,

After my first ultrasound, my mom and I went to the store and bought the baby a few little things, a lullaby CD and a little book. I was so excited to be able to get things early for my little pumpkin. It was so fun to look at everything and know that I was going to have a baby shower and everyone would be there. I was so happy! One morning though I woke up and just didn't feel right, I walked to bathroom like everyone does every morning and instantly I was hit with a wave of nausea and hit the bathroom floor throwing up. I couldn't stop throwing up... I was screaming in my head, OH NO! OH NO! NOT MORNING SICKNESS! But when it didn't stop and I began to dry heave I knew something was wrong. I did not have a cell phone that I could call out on and was only lucky to have internet in the house that allowed me to connect to my sister. Who knows, maybe the app I used should be accredited for saving my life and the life of my baby...(at that time period) I don't know if I could have got up to get help in the first place. I texted my sister using the app and asked her to call the obgyn and find out what I should do. They said to get to a hospital immediately that I was dehydrated and needed to be seen.
I had also been sending my dad messages but without a reply. When my dad got my messages he immediately came and picked me up to take me to the hospital. The hospital I went to was not the best choose apparently due to the fact that they would not allow me to have water or eat anything, the obgyn later was really upset with the fact that the hospital had not looked out for mine or the baby's best interest.
Anyways, they stuck me in a room for hours, I did not know what was going on. I understand that the ER is a very busy place but this could mean the life of my baby. I did not see a doctor for close to three hours. When he finally came in, he did a physical exam and told me that my cervix seemed to be to soft, that I could have an incompetent cervix. I was sent soon after into an "emergency" ultrasound. The technician was very nice and she was with a girl that she was training. The girl was about 8 months pregnant and seemed ever so happy. She talked excitedly to me about her baby and how I must have been so happy I was pregnant. We talked together while they looked at my baby, I tried to show how happy I was but I was scared. They talked about how much he moved and how little he was but when the Techs face fell and she began to look worried and even sad, I took on a different attitude and began to beg for answers to my interrupting questions. I asked what was wrong? What is it? Why are you whispering? Is something wrong with the baby? & then I became calm and realized... well duh! It's my cervix, nothing to worry about they can fix that.
TALK ABOUT BEING DEAD WRONG.
The tech said she needed to show the doctor and she would be right back for me to get dressed, in the middle of dressing she came back and said she needed some more pictures. I was like uhm okay... why? She said she just needed to make sure she got the right angles. I said okay and undressed again so she could take another look. This time is was all serious. There was no awhh look at him moving around like a champ like before, just serious faces that scared the life out of me. All I could do was tell myself that it is nothing. Surely I would have miscarried if it was something bad?
Who in my situation would ever think of stillbirth? Second Trimester Miscarriage, Diseases that effect babies in the womb.
I didn't... I had no thoughts like that, I just assumed natural processes would have been in effect and because he was still with me at 14 weeks, I bypassed the critical part with flying colors. AGAIN dead wrong.
They moved me to a "non-critical" room with a few other patience and that is when Matt showed up. He sat with me and shared my worry face as we contemplated in our heads what could be the problem and if my cervix could be fixed? Could I carry the baby full term? That was our biggest worry. When the doctor finally came back in he said the one thing that made me rethink what could be wrong. Your baby shows thickness on the neck but that is the only thing I can say, he seems fine but I think you should see a OB asap. They handled calling my OB and setting the appointment and we left the hospital with new fears? One's we didn't even know existed.


On a sidenote:
Today is October 19th, 2012 and today marks six months since I last held my precious baby in my arms. I am having a hard day and I just wish I could be looking into his eyes telling him happy six months right now. My love for Bentley is endless and reaches from the depths of the ocean to the stars in the night sky. I want nothing more than to have him in my arms and for it to be as it should be. Thank you everyone so much for being such a great support system! 

I am so excited about using video to express some parts of my blog. I will continue to write but I am going to video as well, and probably just end up putting them on YouTube for all the world to see. I will let you know the link! I hope this video works! Let me know what you think!

Telling Matt's Parents...

If you thought while reading that telling my parents was hard... well telling Matt's parent's was no breeze.

As with telling all the parents I was trembling without a doubt on the edge of my nerves and my chest was hurting from the stress of the day. Matt's parents had met me... how many times, uhm... once? twice? Oh Lord, I don't even know. Not enough times for me to be going to tell them that I am pregnant, I don't know these people, these people are going to think I'm a tramp and then my feminist side kicked in... what about THEIR SON! He is the tramp, I mean... no he's not. YEAH HUH! He got you pregnant... but... you helped! Oh gezz, Oh gracious. I cannot do this. What will they think, what will they say? What will they... Matt interrupts my thoughts, "Dad's going to say it like this, I told you if you didn't keep it up than this was going to happen." Ha! That's actually kind of funny, so there goes your excuse! IT WAS HIM! Oh whatever it was both of us. Again, "Mom.. I don't know what she will do, or say." His mom... oh gezz I forgot about her for a second. In my mind I am now sizing her up... what is she like, will she yell? Will she cry? WHAT!

The car ride over was exhausting! I mean I didn't get in the door and I felt my face getting hot, I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. Matt calls them into the kitchen and we stand there for a few seconds. I look uncomfortable, I am trying not to fidget. Matt looks up as if this is too much for him. My mind immediately races. Reading for the anger, and he tells them, "Well she is pregnant and I mean she is young so the likely hood of a miscarriage is low, very low in fact. So we're having a baby." Its out he said it... here it comes!

His dad looks up with disappointment in his eyes... not again. I cannot handle it, disappointment, no anger? Yell, scream, anything but this again! & He says, "Well son I told you..." Before he even gets it out, Matt looks at me through all this with a smirk. A smirk that says, I told you so! "that if you didn't keep it up this was going to happen. & there it is, Matt summed his dad up to a T. I haven't even look at his mother, but when I do, I wish that I didn't. She is standing there, mouth agape staring at me... looking for a response I guess. I think... I am all out of responses lady, its been a long day. But when our eyes connect she starts to cry and she walks over and hugs me. I hold back the tears that have been threatening to show themselves since we walked through the door and just like that, all the parents know. I can now sigh in relief that it is over. The hard part anyways... or at least so I think.

Just another hard week...

This is out of context to my story but I am having a hard time this week with things and I just want to write to get them out.

Last week I went to a therapy session my first one in a while and it was easy to talk about things, the basics... tell her about my life, the hard times, the good times. She really listened and told me by the end that she feels I am insightful for what I need in my life and what I don't need but she does not feel that I am doing everything I can to grieve properly. She says to make time, grieve whenever I can but make it when I don't want to the most. I realized by the end of the session that I haven't made time because I don't have, I just don't want to make myself feel that way. That horrible pain that quenches deep within my chest, making it hard to breath. That pain that takes my breath away at it's every turn and pulls me down into the darkness if only for a minute. I feel the kind of hurt that you can only imagine if you have never lost a baby.
I don't allow myself to grieve anymore, I try my best to block it out. It's not that I don't remember... I do. It is fresh, a fresh wound that is infected due to neglect. Somehow I must manage this pain and grieve the proper way. If I don't I may blow up one day, crack... lose my sanity. I feel on the brink of crazy when I grieve. Why is this? I just want to be able to go on, remember and celebrate his short life and know the love I have for him without the tears, the scares, the thoughts that creep into my mind. What if's... that I have no business thinking about. My future is scared and damaged because I am, I will never be normal again. Whatever your definition of normal is, I will never get pregnant and just be happy with it. I will be scared, I will wonder every second. I will do everything I can to figure out every day that my baby is okay. These thoughts scare me, will I become an overbearing mom? Will I push my boyfriend away? Will I push my "kids" away?
I know I should not be thinking about these things in the current, but these are the things that consume me. Like a fire set ablaze and cannot be put out. I do not want these thoughts, I do not want these added worries... but they are there, forever.