We went right out of the ultrasound room into the geneticist room and began immediately with the tears and consultation. I honestly don't think that I was truly done with the tears in the first place. I remember going over family history and things that might have caused all of this, but nothing was out of the ordinary so we finished up and just started talking about options and what was to be expected. Imagine being pregnant and a woman looking at you explaining verbally in detail as well as showing with her hands how it would feel if I lost the baby physically. I was terrified, she said it will feel like a sharp pain at first and while clenching her fist she showed me how I would feel inwardly. I couldn't control my thoughts... I wondered how bad it would be, would I feel it right away, or was it not as bad as explained. I mean did this woman even know what she was talking about if she had never been through it how could she.
The next question I would ask broke me even farther than I could ever have imagined. I didn't feel like I could feel any worse but as I mouthed the words I realized the inevitable pain it would put me through. I asked; "Should I terminate?" Before I could continue she said that is only a question you can answer. I then said; "BUT is he in pain, I do not want to carry him if it is causing him pain..." I began to bawl, (this was just to hard). She looked at me when such compassion in her eyes and told me that it wasn't the baby that was in pain it was me. I couldn't hold anything back, I just let go and i cried all the way though the rest of the appointment. Yes I was in pain... a lot of pain. It felt physical and emotional and I felt like someone had ripped my soul apart and deceived me into taking it back. Little did I know that this was just the beginning... it would be worse, much worse.
As Matt and I proceeded out of the appointment his parents saw the pain in our faces, how could I explain this to them. As I tried, Matt had to take over and tell because the tears just would not stop. I tried to straighten myself up but the pain was so incredibly bad at this point that I just couldn't. I sat in the passenger seat on the way home and looked out the window at nothing, I was thinking of nothing... trying to bury myself under a pile of thoughts not related to the pain I was feeling. I never imagined this would happen who would..
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Wake Forest.
After the ultrasound at the OBGYN I waited ever so patiently for my ultrasound at Wake Forest's Fetal Comprehensive Unit.The wait was terrible and I just wanted answers...
Note one: FETAL! This word bugged me the moment I walked through the door... I felt like hmm, maybe this is not the place for me. The BABY inside of me was just that; A BABY! Not a fetus... not something that means nothing.
(Now I know that fetal... doesn't necessary in terms mean what I am portraying but I am just relaying how I felt in the moment.)
I was already scared and anxious and now I am being tormented by all the pregnant women sitting around me, I wonder aimlessly... "Is her baby sick too? Are all our babies sick? Can't be there are too many women in here." I remember feeling so anxious I was shaking. Matt had come with me to this appointment, didn't that mean that it had to be important. He would not put off work for anything... so it had to be something scary, something we didn't want to go through. His parents were here too... as much as they didn't like the idea of their son having a baby out of wedlock, they were here. They were here for support, and that made me feel some relief.
I filled out all the necessary paper work and sat down to wait. After about 30 minutes the nurse called us back to the ultrasound room... a room that throughout my pregnancy would come to be so familiar and so scary. I walked in and was asked to roll my shirt up and unbutton my pants, we waited for the tech to arrive and she went straight into her cordial greeting and down to business. She said.."Lets see what is going on with this baby.." I was 15 weeks pregnant and showing quite a bit, I felt proud as I looked at my belly and back up at the screen.
After several pictures and her showing us the "problem areas" we were scared to death. But so happy we got to see our baby boy just moving around and kicking. This ultrasound gave me my favorite picture of him, he put up his little tiny hand and it looked like he waved at the screen, my heart melted. I felt like my baby was telling me it was all going to be okay. Like "Mom... I am fine in here." Awhh... how I love that moment. A memory I will always treasure.
The tech got a little excited as she asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we both said not yet. She asked us if we wanted to and Matt and I looked at each other for a brief moment registering yes with just our eyes and I looked back and nodded yes to the tech. She said well your having a baby boy and I smiled so big it hurt... I would never have cared if it was a boy or girl. Initially I wanted a girl, but this was my baby and boy girl who cares. Matt was so happy... sitting beside me saying, "I told you so!" I laughed because he did... like all the other times since I had been pregnant he had said; "Maness boys have boys" and it proved true time and time again in his family.
After the excited part was over the tech said the doctors would have to get together and look over the findings. We waited forever... our fears binding within us. I know I began to feel sick and wondered if morning sickness was kicking in or was my nerves just becoming really bad. The doctor finally came in. Matt and I were sitting along the wall in a row of three chairs. Side by side we waited... The doctor said words that I will never forget and will hang in my heart and linger in my mind until the end of time. "Hi... (stated his name & checked the chart for ours) I am sorry to say this but ya'll will have other children but you just won't be having this one. The thunder rained down on me as my heart broke into a million pieces. NO... what do you mean I asked. Matt grabbed for my hand and began to try to console me as I fell immediately into tears. He said "Ya'll look like a lovely couple and so young, you will probably have very healthy pregnancies later on but this time that is not how it happened..." He continued "The fetus is just too sick,"
Note two: Now you know from previous thoughts the anger that irrupted inside of me as he talked about my "fetus!"
He said things like "termination" "no one would blame you" "he only has days, maybe two weeks" "heart will stop" "sorry" "nothing we can do" "not your fault" "chromosomal"
I am so terrified by this point and now just trying to hang onto his every word. He finished up and shakes our hands. I know now that he is pro science and not pro life, this is not the doctor for me. I will never see him again and I didn't.
................
We were then sent to the genetic councilor... I will talk on that more later. It would be too long to put that in this blog.
THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I KNOW THERE ARE MOTHERS AND FATHERS OUT THERE THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH THIS, I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO FEEL ALONE. WHEN I FOUND OUT, I SEARCHED THE WEB TO FEEL APART OF SOMETHING. YOUR NOT ALONE.
Note one: FETAL! This word bugged me the moment I walked through the door... I felt like hmm, maybe this is not the place for me. The BABY inside of me was just that; A BABY! Not a fetus... not something that means nothing.
(Now I know that fetal... doesn't necessary in terms mean what I am portraying but I am just relaying how I felt in the moment.)
I was already scared and anxious and now I am being tormented by all the pregnant women sitting around me, I wonder aimlessly... "Is her baby sick too? Are all our babies sick? Can't be there are too many women in here." I remember feeling so anxious I was shaking. Matt had come with me to this appointment, didn't that mean that it had to be important. He would not put off work for anything... so it had to be something scary, something we didn't want to go through. His parents were here too... as much as they didn't like the idea of their son having a baby out of wedlock, they were here. They were here for support, and that made me feel some relief.
I filled out all the necessary paper work and sat down to wait. After about 30 minutes the nurse called us back to the ultrasound room... a room that throughout my pregnancy would come to be so familiar and so scary. I walked in and was asked to roll my shirt up and unbutton my pants, we waited for the tech to arrive and she went straight into her cordial greeting and down to business. She said.."Lets see what is going on with this baby.." I was 15 weeks pregnant and showing quite a bit, I felt proud as I looked at my belly and back up at the screen.
After several pictures and her showing us the "problem areas" we were scared to death. But so happy we got to see our baby boy just moving around and kicking. This ultrasound gave me my favorite picture of him, he put up his little tiny hand and it looked like he waved at the screen, my heart melted. I felt like my baby was telling me it was all going to be okay. Like "Mom... I am fine in here." Awhh... how I love that moment. A memory I will always treasure.
The tech got a little excited as she asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we both said not yet. She asked us if we wanted to and Matt and I looked at each other for a brief moment registering yes with just our eyes and I looked back and nodded yes to the tech. She said well your having a baby boy and I smiled so big it hurt... I would never have cared if it was a boy or girl. Initially I wanted a girl, but this was my baby and boy girl who cares. Matt was so happy... sitting beside me saying, "I told you so!" I laughed because he did... like all the other times since I had been pregnant he had said; "Maness boys have boys" and it proved true time and time again in his family.
After the excited part was over the tech said the doctors would have to get together and look over the findings. We waited forever... our fears binding within us. I know I began to feel sick and wondered if morning sickness was kicking in or was my nerves just becoming really bad. The doctor finally came in. Matt and I were sitting along the wall in a row of three chairs. Side by side we waited... The doctor said words that I will never forget and will hang in my heart and linger in my mind until the end of time. "Hi... (stated his name & checked the chart for ours) I am sorry to say this but ya'll will have other children but you just won't be having this one. The thunder rained down on me as my heart broke into a million pieces. NO... what do you mean I asked. Matt grabbed for my hand and began to try to console me as I fell immediately into tears. He said "Ya'll look like a lovely couple and so young, you will probably have very healthy pregnancies later on but this time that is not how it happened..." He continued "The fetus is just too sick,"
Note two: Now you know from previous thoughts the anger that irrupted inside of me as he talked about my "fetus!"
He said things like "termination" "no one would blame you" "he only has days, maybe two weeks" "heart will stop" "sorry" "nothing we can do" "not your fault" "chromosomal"
I am so terrified by this point and now just trying to hang onto his every word. He finished up and shakes our hands. I know now that he is pro science and not pro life, this is not the doctor for me. I will never see him again and I didn't.
................
We were then sent to the genetic councilor... I will talk on that more later. It would be too long to put that in this blog.
THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I KNOW THERE ARE MOTHERS AND FATHERS OUT THERE THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH THIS, I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO FEEL ALONE. WHEN I FOUND OUT, I SEARCHED THE WEB TO FEEL APART OF SOMETHING. YOUR NOT ALONE.
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