Pain

it seems like everyone is expecting me to change how I feel, just because I am pregnant does not mean that I have for gotten about my son. he is in my every thought and all of my dreams... this pain is never going away and I realize that but please could you people honestly understand that you do not understand what I am going through. I know some of you do that is following this blog and.thank you so much for the support. I am tired of going through every day and all people mention is the new baby, if my son was here you all would still be asking how he is too. Why can't you just mention him, he was real... he was mine. It may make me cry and tear up but I will feel better in the end because some body mentioned him!

this was me venting sorry if I offended anybody...

Genetic Analysis

We went right out of the ultrasound room into the geneticist room and began immediately with the tears and consultation. I honestly don't think that I was truly done with the tears in the first place. I remember going over family history and things that might have caused all of this, but nothing was out of the ordinary so we finished up and just started talking about options and what was to be expected. Imagine being pregnant and a woman looking at you explaining verbally in detail as well as showing with her hands how it would feel if I lost the baby physically. I was terrified, she said it will feel like a sharp pain at first and while clenching her fist she showed me how I would feel inwardly. I couldn't control my thoughts... I wondered how bad it would be, would I feel it right away, or was it not as bad as explained. I mean did this woman even know what she was talking about if she had never been through it how could she.
The next question I would ask broke me even farther than I could ever have imagined. I didn't feel like I could feel any worse but as I mouthed the words I realized the inevitable pain it would put me through. I asked; "Should I terminate?" Before I could continue she said that is only a question you can answer. I then said; "BUT is he in pain, I do not want to carry him if it is causing him pain..." I began to bawl, (this was just to hard). She looked at me when such compassion in her eyes and told me that it wasn't the baby that was in pain it was me. I couldn't hold anything back, I just let go and i cried all the way though the rest of the appointment. Yes I was in pain... a lot of pain. It felt physical and emotional and I felt like someone had ripped my soul apart and deceived me into taking it back. Little did I know that this was just the beginning... it would be worse, much worse.
As Matt and I proceeded out of the appointment his parents saw the pain in our faces, how could I explain this to them. As I tried, Matt had to take over and tell because the tears just would not stop. I tried to straighten myself up but the pain was so incredibly bad at this point that I just couldn't. I sat in the passenger seat on the way home and looked out the window at nothing, I was thinking of nothing... trying to bury myself under a pile of thoughts not related to the pain I was feeling. I never imagined this would happen who would..

Wake Forest.

After the ultrasound at the OBGYN I waited ever so patiently for my ultrasound at Wake Forest's Fetal Comprehensive Unit.The wait was terrible and I just wanted answers... 
Note one: FETAL! This word bugged me the moment I walked through the door... I felt like hmm, maybe this is not the place for me. The BABY inside of me was just that; A BABY! Not a fetus... not something that means nothing.
(Now I know that fetal... doesn't necessary in terms mean what I am portraying but I am just relaying how I felt in the moment.)
I was already scared and anxious and now I am being tormented by all the pregnant women sitting around me, I wonder aimlessly... "Is her baby sick too? Are all our babies sick? Can't be there are too many women in here." I remember feeling so anxious I was shaking. Matt had come with me to this appointment, didn't that mean that it had to be important. He would not put off work for anything... so it had to be something scary, something we didn't want to go through. His parents were here too... as much as they didn't like the idea of their son having a baby out of wedlock, they were here. They were here for support, and that made me feel some relief.
I filled out all the necessary paper work and sat down to wait. After about 30 minutes the nurse called us back to the ultrasound room... a room that throughout my pregnancy would come to be so familiar and so scary. I walked in and was asked to roll my shirt up and unbutton my pants, we waited for the tech to arrive and she went straight into her cordial greeting and down to business. She said.."Lets see what is going on with this baby.." I was 15 weeks pregnant and showing quite a bit, I felt proud as I looked at my belly and back up at the screen.
After several pictures and her showing us the "problem areas" we were scared to death. But so happy we got to see our baby boy just moving around and kicking. This ultrasound gave me my favorite picture of him, he put up his little tiny hand and it looked like he waved at the screen, my heart melted. I felt like my baby was telling me it was all going to be okay. Like "Mom... I am fine in here." Awhh... how I love that moment. A memory I will always treasure.
The tech got a little excited as she asked if we knew the sex of the baby and we both said not yet. She asked us if we wanted to and Matt and I looked at each other for a brief moment registering yes with just our eyes and I looked back and nodded yes to the tech. She said well your having a baby boy and I smiled so big it hurt... I would never have cared if it was a boy or girl. Initially I wanted a girl, but this was my baby and boy girl who cares. Matt was so happy... sitting beside me saying, "I told you so!" I laughed because he did... like all the other times since I had been pregnant he had said; "Maness boys have boys" and it proved true time and time again in his family.
After the excited part was over the tech said the doctors would have to get together and look over the findings. We waited forever... our fears binding within us. I know I began to feel sick and wondered if morning sickness was kicking in or was my nerves just becoming really bad. The doctor finally came in. Matt and I were sitting along the wall in a row of three chairs. Side by side we waited... The doctor said words that I will never forget and will hang in my heart and linger in my mind until the end of time. "Hi... (stated his name & checked the chart for ours) I am sorry to say this but ya'll will have other children but you just won't be having this one. The thunder rained down on me as my heart broke into a million pieces. NO... what do you mean I asked. Matt grabbed for my hand and began to try to console me as I fell immediately into tears. He said "Ya'll look like a lovely couple and so young, you will probably have very healthy pregnancies later on but this time that is not how it happened..." He continued "The fetus is just too sick,"
Note two: Now you know from previous thoughts the anger that irrupted inside of me as he talked about my "fetus!"
He said things like "termination" "no one would blame you" "he only has days, maybe two weeks" "heart will stop" "sorry" "nothing we can do" "not your fault" "chromosomal"
I am so terrified by this point and now just trying to hang onto his every word. He finished up and shakes our hands. I know now that he is pro science and not pro life, this is not the doctor for me. I will never see him again and I didn't.
................
We were then sent to the genetic councilor... I will talk on that more later. It would be too long to put that in this blog.

THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING.

I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT I KNOW THERE ARE MOTHERS AND FATHERS OUT THERE THAT HAVE WENT THROUGH THIS, I DON'T WANT YOU GUYS TO FEEL ALONE. WHEN I FOUND OUT, I SEARCHED THE WEB TO FEEL APART OF SOMETHING. YOUR NOT ALONE.

Halloween :/ & Ultrasound Follow-up

Hello and WELCOME BACK to my page.
Happy Halloween everyone, hope that your having a great day and have been having a wonderful Wednesday!
I want to say to all the victims of Hurrican Sandys wrath that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am saddened by all the damage, loss and death. I hope that everyone watching will also keep them in your thoughts.

So in my last blog, I told you guys about how I went to the ER and in this one I want to talk to you about the follow up appointment with my home OBGYN. I want to say that Thomasville OBGYN is the absolute best! The doctors there made me feel more comfortable, more hope and more happiness and without them I may have not got to feel the joys of my pregnancy.
So I went to the OBGYN the next day and signed in and waited. Pregnant women all around and I think hmm... I wonder if anyone else in here is scared to death of today's appointment? I am shaking a little, my nerves have always been bad but now I am beating myself up about it. STOP Samantha, I say in my head. "You know its bad for the baby..." I continue this until my name is called and I finally feel like I am going to have some answers. If I could count the times that I had been dead wrong in my pregnancy it wouldn't be possible to use my fingers. I hated the shaky feeling I had but was enlightened when I went in and  vitals and blood pressure checked out. Oddly enough I lost eight pounds and my nurse was warning me losing too much could cause problems; but that it was normal to lose some weight. I thought that the decrease may have something to do with the sickness I had only a few days earlier.
I was put into th ultrasound room and awaited my answers... the tech came in and asked me to explain to her why I was here. I told her everything the doctor had said to me and she just shook her head and with a light airy laugh she explained that ER doctors are rushed and usually don't have time to really assess any "problems" so that not to worry everything was probably okay. As she prepped me for the ultrasound we talked about how I had been eating and my weight loss. She was in the middle of cascading the reader across my belly when her face lost her smile. She became almost distant as if talking to me anymore would cause more problems. I now know this is in case she was wrong that she would have gotten into trouble. She looked at the screen back at me and said I am so sorry I said that before your ultrasound, there is something quite wrong, I need to go get the doctor.

She went and informed the doctor of the ultrasound and came back and proceeded to print me plenty of pictures of my beautiful son. She asked me if I wanted to know the sex of the baby and I said I better now, Matt isn't here and he might kill me. She said okay and I begin to ask a million and five questions. All she said to me was that it looked like Cystic Hygroma and the doctor would explain.

I waited for about 30 minutes and the doctor came in and immediately hugged me before going into his "update" He said he was sorry to inform me but the baby looked to have several problems and he was sorry they had not noticed anything at my 6 week ultrasound but it was more likely that the baby had developed them sometime within the last 7 weeks. I waited for him to get down to the real news and when he did I was shocked to hear things like "genetic chromosomal disorders" "cystic hygroma" "hydrops" "turners syndrome" and many other words I had not yet let digest. He wanted me to see a specialist and they would determine further what could be done if anything.

For those of you who don't know what cystic hygroma is, it is a mass of cysts that build up on the baby's neck and can continue down the spinal column. It is where the baby's lympthaic system is immature and instead of sending the fluids through the body the way it is supposed to happen it becomes small and larger collections of fluid.

I did a lot of research as I was told not to when I left the doctor informed me that the internet was a scary place to look at things like this and I should wait to hear it from a specialist who could inform me correctly. I did not have the patience for this however and looked up a few "key terms" to help my growing curiosity.

I will continue the story... next week. Hope you are enjoying my blog... I know it can be hard for some of you and this is why I share my story. I want everyone who is looking to understand and looking for some guidance to have that.

On top of my story I want to tell you how I have been lately. I have felt horrible, just down and out. I don't know what to do. It is like I am in a dark place and cannot get out of it. I just want to wake up and this all be a dream... I know that I won't and I have to keep pushing. But for those of you out there that have went through this you know what I mean... the pain, the spiraling up and down and the days you feel like youll never smile again. For those of you just starting to live this nightmare, know that the grieving process is normal. There will be bad times and good times and all the in between. We will make it through this, and we can do it together!

Today is no exception, I wanted so badly to dress Bentley up for Halloween, I was so excited he would only be a few months old for his first Halloween, he wouldn't remember it but I would... now I just feel empty. I want to hide away and not have to think about anything. Holidays seem like they will be like this for the rest of my life. Plans made, and then destroyed... the hurt will always be there and I wish for one second all of us going through this, mothers and fathers that it didn't have to be this way. We deserved our babies... that's my final thought. Sorry so long.

Bad News, but not the Worst.

Corrections!!!
I want to apologize to my best friend Staci for leaving her out of my last video, I didn't mean too. When I go to blog something I try to remember with the best detail but some things get left out and I am sorry for that.

I want to continue my story,

After my first ultrasound, my mom and I went to the store and bought the baby a few little things, a lullaby CD and a little book. I was so excited to be able to get things early for my little pumpkin. It was so fun to look at everything and know that I was going to have a baby shower and everyone would be there. I was so happy! One morning though I woke up and just didn't feel right, I walked to bathroom like everyone does every morning and instantly I was hit with a wave of nausea and hit the bathroom floor throwing up. I couldn't stop throwing up... I was screaming in my head, OH NO! OH NO! NOT MORNING SICKNESS! But when it didn't stop and I began to dry heave I knew something was wrong. I did not have a cell phone that I could call out on and was only lucky to have internet in the house that allowed me to connect to my sister. Who knows, maybe the app I used should be accredited for saving my life and the life of my baby...(at that time period) I don't know if I could have got up to get help in the first place. I texted my sister using the app and asked her to call the obgyn and find out what I should do. They said to get to a hospital immediately that I was dehydrated and needed to be seen.
I had also been sending my dad messages but without a reply. When my dad got my messages he immediately came and picked me up to take me to the hospital. The hospital I went to was not the best choose apparently due to the fact that they would not allow me to have water or eat anything, the obgyn later was really upset with the fact that the hospital had not looked out for mine or the baby's best interest.
Anyways, they stuck me in a room for hours, I did not know what was going on. I understand that the ER is a very busy place but this could mean the life of my baby. I did not see a doctor for close to three hours. When he finally came in, he did a physical exam and told me that my cervix seemed to be to soft, that I could have an incompetent cervix. I was sent soon after into an "emergency" ultrasound. The technician was very nice and she was with a girl that she was training. The girl was about 8 months pregnant and seemed ever so happy. She talked excitedly to me about her baby and how I must have been so happy I was pregnant. We talked together while they looked at my baby, I tried to show how happy I was but I was scared. They talked about how much he moved and how little he was but when the Techs face fell and she began to look worried and even sad, I took on a different attitude and began to beg for answers to my interrupting questions. I asked what was wrong? What is it? Why are you whispering? Is something wrong with the baby? & then I became calm and realized... well duh! It's my cervix, nothing to worry about they can fix that.
TALK ABOUT BEING DEAD WRONG.
The tech said she needed to show the doctor and she would be right back for me to get dressed, in the middle of dressing she came back and said she needed some more pictures. I was like uhm okay... why? She said she just needed to make sure she got the right angles. I said okay and undressed again so she could take another look. This time is was all serious. There was no awhh look at him moving around like a champ like before, just serious faces that scared the life out of me. All I could do was tell myself that it is nothing. Surely I would have miscarried if it was something bad?
Who in my situation would ever think of stillbirth? Second Trimester Miscarriage, Diseases that effect babies in the womb.
I didn't... I had no thoughts like that, I just assumed natural processes would have been in effect and because he was still with me at 14 weeks, I bypassed the critical part with flying colors. AGAIN dead wrong.
They moved me to a "non-critical" room with a few other patience and that is when Matt showed up. He sat with me and shared my worry face as we contemplated in our heads what could be the problem and if my cervix could be fixed? Could I carry the baby full term? That was our biggest worry. When the doctor finally came back in he said the one thing that made me rethink what could be wrong. Your baby shows thickness on the neck but that is the only thing I can say, he seems fine but I think you should see a OB asap. They handled calling my OB and setting the appointment and we left the hospital with new fears? One's we didn't even know existed.


On a sidenote:
Today is October 19th, 2012 and today marks six months since I last held my precious baby in my arms. I am having a hard day and I just wish I could be looking into his eyes telling him happy six months right now. My love for Bentley is endless and reaches from the depths of the ocean to the stars in the night sky. I want nothing more than to have him in my arms and for it to be as it should be. Thank you everyone so much for being such a great support system! 

I am so excited about using video to express some parts of my blog. I will continue to write but I am going to video as well, and probably just end up putting them on YouTube for all the world to see. I will let you know the link! I hope this video works! Let me know what you think!

Telling Matt's Parents...

If you thought while reading that telling my parents was hard... well telling Matt's parent's was no breeze.

As with telling all the parents I was trembling without a doubt on the edge of my nerves and my chest was hurting from the stress of the day. Matt's parents had met me... how many times, uhm... once? twice? Oh Lord, I don't even know. Not enough times for me to be going to tell them that I am pregnant, I don't know these people, these people are going to think I'm a tramp and then my feminist side kicked in... what about THEIR SON! He is the tramp, I mean... no he's not. YEAH HUH! He got you pregnant... but... you helped! Oh gezz, Oh gracious. I cannot do this. What will they think, what will they say? What will they... Matt interrupts my thoughts, "Dad's going to say it like this, I told you if you didn't keep it up than this was going to happen." Ha! That's actually kind of funny, so there goes your excuse! IT WAS HIM! Oh whatever it was both of us. Again, "Mom.. I don't know what she will do, or say." His mom... oh gezz I forgot about her for a second. In my mind I am now sizing her up... what is she like, will she yell? Will she cry? WHAT!

The car ride over was exhausting! I mean I didn't get in the door and I felt my face getting hot, I felt the sting of tears in my eyes. Matt calls them into the kitchen and we stand there for a few seconds. I look uncomfortable, I am trying not to fidget. Matt looks up as if this is too much for him. My mind immediately races. Reading for the anger, and he tells them, "Well she is pregnant and I mean she is young so the likely hood of a miscarriage is low, very low in fact. So we're having a baby." Its out he said it... here it comes!

His dad looks up with disappointment in his eyes... not again. I cannot handle it, disappointment, no anger? Yell, scream, anything but this again! & He says, "Well son I told you..." Before he even gets it out, Matt looks at me through all this with a smirk. A smirk that says, I told you so! "that if you didn't keep it up this was going to happen. & there it is, Matt summed his dad up to a T. I haven't even look at his mother, but when I do, I wish that I didn't. She is standing there, mouth agape staring at me... looking for a response I guess. I think... I am all out of responses lady, its been a long day. But when our eyes connect she starts to cry and she walks over and hugs me. I hold back the tears that have been threatening to show themselves since we walked through the door and just like that, all the parents know. I can now sigh in relief that it is over. The hard part anyways... or at least so I think.

Just another hard week...

This is out of context to my story but I am having a hard time this week with things and I just want to write to get them out.

Last week I went to a therapy session my first one in a while and it was easy to talk about things, the basics... tell her about my life, the hard times, the good times. She really listened and told me by the end that she feels I am insightful for what I need in my life and what I don't need but she does not feel that I am doing everything I can to grieve properly. She says to make time, grieve whenever I can but make it when I don't want to the most. I realized by the end of the session that I haven't made time because I don't have, I just don't want to make myself feel that way. That horrible pain that quenches deep within my chest, making it hard to breath. That pain that takes my breath away at it's every turn and pulls me down into the darkness if only for a minute. I feel the kind of hurt that you can only imagine if you have never lost a baby.
I don't allow myself to grieve anymore, I try my best to block it out. It's not that I don't remember... I do. It is fresh, a fresh wound that is infected due to neglect. Somehow I must manage this pain and grieve the proper way. If I don't I may blow up one day, crack... lose my sanity. I feel on the brink of crazy when I grieve. Why is this? I just want to be able to go on, remember and celebrate his short life and know the love I have for him without the tears, the scares, the thoughts that creep into my mind. What if's... that I have no business thinking about. My future is scared and damaged because I am, I will never be normal again. Whatever your definition of normal is, I will never get pregnant and just be happy with it. I will be scared, I will wonder every second. I will do everything I can to figure out every day that my baby is okay. These thoughts scare me, will I become an overbearing mom? Will I push my boyfriend away? Will I push my "kids" away?
I know I should not be thinking about these things in the current, but these are the things that consume me. Like a fire set ablaze and cannot be put out. I do not want these thoughts, I do not want these added worries... but they are there, forever.

Steve's reaction!

I guess I should let you guys in on what happened...

Next thing I know I am telling Steve I am pregnant. He doesn't really say anything but I can tell you... I could here him gritting his teeth from a few feet away! I knew he was mad, and he just asked a few questions. I was mad now, HOW DARE HE GET MAD? WHAT! I am the one that is pregnant... DID YOU FORGET THAT.
but...
what was really bothering me was the fact that everyone was disappointed in me. I was in college, I had two jobs... what would happen to me? NO ONE really believed that I could make it. Not one person really wanted to think that I could be any different? Hadn't I always been? I am the driven one. The child who doesn't give up but it felt like all in one day no one would ever believe that again. I know I stated over and over that I could make it, that I wouldn't quit school. That I wouldn't quit school or my jobs? I was upset... slipping even into depression.
Somehow as the next few days went by I found myself holding my belly... laughing and smiling at it and even talking to my little one. I was happy, truly happy. I was going to have a baby and that had to be the most amazing thing in the world. WHO CARED if no one believed in me. I DID!

Sorry so short, not a lot of time! UP NEXT:
Matt's parents... telling someone you don't really know that their son is going to have a baby...

Telling my mom & Steve

Sorry guys I know I have been slacking... but I haven't felt like doing much of nothing lately. Some irrational fears have gotten to me and caused me to think a lot about what happened and what could happen... but let me get back to my story.

After telling my dads family we decided to take the trip to my moms, our plan was to knock it all out in one night. I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was when we took that 15 minute ride. I begin to tremble and dream up a scheme of what I would say and what would be my moms response. I was more scared of Steve's response because as much respect and love as I have for my step dad. I knew it would take awhile for him to come around and I didn't feel like I needed to tell him. At least thats they way I was playing it out in my head.
I got to my moms, Matt and I absentmindedly take our time getting out of the care and sharing silent stares continue up to the door. As always Steve greets us with a warm smile and a hug,
(Now for some background, Steve and Matt had a very bad start. I allowed Matt to come into the house & into my bedroom with out any of the parents home. We weren't together at this time and we weren't doing anything. I find it hard to understand why I did this, but I was not use to the parental supervision so it was a little new. Steve kicked Matt out and well needless to say had a bad taste in his mouth for him already!)
Back to the story....
We come in and I basically bustle by Steve and say I need to talk to mom. Matt follows behind me and we step into my moms room. She is laying in the bed watching TV and as we come in she just gives me a what is it look. I had previously called her and told her to make sure she was at home because I was coming by at 6:15. This was abnormal and at this moment I feel like she knows what I am going to say. I close the door and she asks why am I closing Steve out. My eyes wide, my heart throbbing hard relentless beats I tell her that I am pregnant. She smiles warmly at me and takes my hand and her response is at the time ridiculous but at the same time a weight has been lifted atleast momentarally. She says, "God makes babies for a reason." I am like what? Really that is your response? Your not going to get out of the bed and knock me across the head? & maybe even take Matt out while your at it. Your not going to scream and rant and cry like I always imagined?
Nope... nada, nothing. She is calm.. really calm, but then she says the one thing I have been dreading. Open the door... really mom, no I don't want to tell Steve. BUT I open the door and mom calls for him to come upstairs. Here he is. & you know what my mom does? She "encourages" the situation. "Sam, tell Steve what you told me..." Now I am looking at my mom like I want to hit her... (I love you, mom) I am freaking... heart again on the rise. Steve I am pregnant... I say almost too fast.


..... & I am going to leave you guys hanging today.


but I would like to blog about what today means to me. Today is September 19... every month on this day I dip down into my depressive state and become the "quite" samantha that no one knows. That not many understand. I don't cry much anymore... I follow my day through like a ghost. Endless it feels like, school, home, work, school work, dinner & bed. I know the days events but they seem to unimportant. More days that today feel like this but it is on this day, I let myself feel this way. It is on this day that I LET myself remember everything.
I love my son, I will always love him. Time only passes because it has too... I have a new found hope in life but not one that anyone should ever have.
Rest Easy my love, Bentley Matthew Maness.
Mommy and Daddy Love you!

Telling our Parents

The next few weeks were very scary. We had went back and forth on how we would tell our parents. Something was said about me having a miscarriage, and I really resent that now. Although I cannot blame anyone for ever thinking that having a miscarriage was possible because in any pregnancy it certainly is. I just wish things like that would have never been said and I wouldn't have to think about that now. Anyways, Matt and I talked about the pregnancy constantly and were not ready at all to tell our parents but decided to go ahead with it anyways. These will be played out in five short stories.
                   

                                                                                                                             Kelly & I

I start with going to my dads house to "decorate the tree." It is two weeks before Christmas, we are all sitting around and I am feeling horribly nervous, am I really about to tell my dad that I am pregnant? What will he say? Heck what will I say? Will it come out right... I always jumble things up with I get too nervous. I am waiting for the right time to say something but everyone keeps talking... I look nervously at Matt and he looks at me like dang will you ever get it out? So I decide to do what anyone would do... I blurt out I have to tell y'all something. Everyone turns and stares like what? you have rudely interrupted but at this point I feel as if I might explode if I do not get this off my chest. I calmly say... I'm pregnant, the words don't even come out of my mouth it seems and Kelly my dads wife has almost knocked the Christmas tree over and the lamp to get to me. She is screaming in a girlish fashion and I can't even bring myself to look around the room, everyone but her is quite. I zone in on my dad and he is staring at Kelly as if he might kill her if she doesn't stop. He looks surprised and I can tell the shock has hit everyone in the room. I am bombarded with a million questions all at once and Matt and I answer them one by one almost mechanically. I am shaking like a leaf... but I did it, I got it out. (Side Note: I wonder when I get pregnant again, how it will come across to my parents... will they be just as shocked?) Surley this is it... just questions. Everyone stops talking as I look at my dad and ask why hasn't he said anything, why are you just sitting there, what do you think? He looks at the TV back at us and says well... how are you going to do this with your jobs and school. I answer the question I knew was coming. DAD, I am headstrong... I am not going to quit. I know it will be hard but gezz you know me better than that. He doesn't seem to believe me and it breaks my heart. I have let my dad down... not Samantha, she wouldn't do this kind of thing. She is more responsible. She is (was) smarter. Apparently my heart is breaking and I wonder why things happen like they do. I don't even hear anymore questions... I am drowning in my own defeat. Pregnant & defeated.

My daddy:

Out of Context

This blog is not going to follow my story this is for me to release some of my feelings on the matter.
I am so angry that I do not have my son anymore, I really just feel like why? What did I do so bad? Am I going to be a bad mother? Did you take him because I did something. I keep thinking there is a verse... the sins of the mother and father. I don't want to blame myself, no! I keep telling myself it was not meant to be... but WHY? I only want to love and hold and cherish my son. I want to sing to him softly before he falls asleep. I want to argue and fight over who is going to change his diaper or feed him at 3am in the morning.

I am so sad and so angry.
anger.
anger.
& more anger.
Thats what I have built up inside of me. I was deprived of what I feel I needed most, if this was a act done on earth by another person they would be punished but because it was out of this world. Done by God, the merciful God that everyone talks about it is supposed to be okay.
I do not care that it was not meant to be. God could have made everything better... He is almighty. He could have changed the course of events, and then people say things like well maybe there would have been something terribly wrong with him, well God could have spared him of that too! & any other event that would have hurt or taken my son away from me.
Are we not here to procreate and to live life happy, forgetting our trespassers and forgiving them, so that we may remain happy. We have trials, but arnt we supposed to come out on top.
Yes I have changed, maybe even for the better.... BUT ANSWER ME THIS WOULDN'T HOLDING MY BABY IN MY ARMS CHANGE ME FOR THE BETTER TOO?
anger.
anger.

I feel like a two year old whining over a lost toy but its not like that at all. I lost my son, my baby, my precious little boy.
:/

Last night Bentleys dad and I ate dinner together and talked about things... it hurt him so much to think that I may even try again. See what this is doing to us? What I need to do, will kill him in the end. We had a good evening though, I am happy that we can remain friends through everything... that is one thing I can be thankful for.


Sorry for offending anyone, these are my feelings and I warned you.
I once read that if you are stronger than you realize when your honest about being mad at God. Most people wouldnt even consider saying it outloud. I am different, he knows... I know and now you all know. Please do me a favor though and save the comments on
Samantha dont be mad at God.
or he will see you through it.
or anything like that, it will only make me more angry.

Confirming Pregnancy

Okay so I am just going to pick up where I left off!

After first assessing the possibility that I am now pregnant we sit down and stare blankly at the TV as if we are actually watching it. Nope not at all... my mind is racing. Matt has now sent Stacy to the store to get a few more pregnancy tests, you know to "double check." I am texting my best friend Staci Turbeville, I really need someone to lean on and I know I need to get this out to her. She is not responding. I have sent three texts, where are you? what are you doing? Staci please, I need you now. No answer. Stacy Farlow my roommate gets back and hands me the test, Matt looks at her as if thanking her in silence. I have three tests in my hand. I will take two more tonight and wait and take the third in the morning. I take the next two, they are both the digital tests. They automatically within thirty seconds or so say pregnant. I know now that this is real, the doctors will just confirm it. Matt doesn't even look at me, he looks through me. I feel like I have let him down, I mean in reality we have known each other maybe a year and have been dating for less than two months. Just last week in the car we were driving to his parents I can remember us laughing and him saying "What more could I need? I have a great job and a beautiful girl friend... life is set. I am glad we aren't like so and so who is having a baby..." I remember thinking yes, not right now, Thank God. Ha, isn't that funny... I was pregnant when he said all those things. As I am in the middle of thinking my phone rings it is a text from Staci... and I am like WHAT? Her text says "Are you singing to me?" UHM NO I AM NOT SINGING TO YOU, I WANTED TO HIT HER... (i love you staci... :) I call her, no I am not singing... Staci I am pregnant. I hear on the other end of the phone a sharp intake of breath and she says really... yes really. I am getting aggravated but its because I am so upset. Finally as that is cleared up I get off the phone as we commence to saying that we will discuss it further after I go to the doctor in the morning to prove that I am.
Its now time for bed. Matt has work in the morning and I will face the OB and get a pregnancy test. Matt and I cling to each other for a few minutes talking about everything. I remember him telling me over and over it will be okay. We will figure this out... I mean you might not really be. I am like really? You still think that, wow I am definitely pregnant... three tests already!
Morning comes, Matt wakes up and gets in the shower. I always wake up about this time and just lay there until he leaves. But this morning is different... I have to take the last test. The paper does say the morning urine is best to test. I go into the bathroom and tell him what I am doing. I sit there for a few seconds while the test displays another automatic pregnant and I tell him this is real. To the doctor I go. I must wait a agonizing 2 hours until I can even call the OB and ask what I do next.
The OB nurse on the line sounds over joyed like she loves her job, she sounds content with telling me it is $17 for a pregnancy test and they will determine when my due date is if they confirm the pregnancy. I say when can I come in and she tells me anytime. I leave as early as possible and go up to Thomasville OB. Their staff is always so nice and accommodating but today I don't feel like this is helping. I have never had to experience this before. As I am called back I remember going through to the left side, the nurse asks for a urine sample and I immediately go get one. I give her the sample and she shows me to a chair she would like me to wait in until they are ready with the results.
Now starts the tremors and the anxiety again, could it be? I know I am but I am rooting for the no, but now I have mixed feelings... am I rooting for the yes too? I remember gently caressing my belly and softly saying, "are you really in there?" This reaction surprises me and I immediately draw back. Of course I want kids... Of course but now? The nurse comes back and she says so it is positive and we would say you are 4+ weeks. I draw in a large sum of air, breathing sharply. I fight off the panic attack and smile as politely as I can at the nurse. She calculates my due date... August 17th. I am sent home with a appointment in two weeks to confirm the due date yet again and to start my blood tests and the usual pregnancy mumbo jumbo.
I practically run to the car and pick up my phone, I dial Matt and tell him that I am really pregnant. I tell him the due date and a few other things and I really don't get much of a reply. Just a few uh huhs and okays. The last thing was we will discuss it when we get home.


Again, I will continue when I have the time. I hope you are enjoying my blog so far. Have any questions, concerns or comments. You can leave them at the bottom of the page. I have Math home work to get too. 

The Beginning...

So this is my first blog and I have never done anything like this before, never even been good at keeping a diary.
This blog is about my son and the experience I had when I got pregnant with him until I lost him. I am also keeping this blog to be able to get my emotions out as much as I possibly can. It helps me to know that its out there, its been said. People know!
First my name is Samantha and my journey started late November 2011, It is a Sunday and it is late.. I remember joking with my girl friend Stacy and she said, "Gosh! You are so hormonal, I bet your pregnant."
STOP.
I am 19 at the time and freaking out! I have just started dating my new boyfriend, his name is Matt. Me... pregnant, no way!
Sooo... I start laughing, and you know what she does too! It becomes a big joke and we decide to get a pregnancy test and play up our "joke" to Matt. Needless to say he came by and I provoked him by telling him out I had been craving things lately... and I was eating a bowl of cereal so I slurped down the milk and added, wow that is sooo good. He stared at me refusing to lose my gaze. I will assume he was blankly asking without words, really are you... pregnant. Well Stacy comes home and hands me the pregnancy test and my anxiety is at a low level, I'm good. I mean nothing to worry about right?
So here I go... off to the bathroom. I pee on the stick like normal and leave it on the counter. I don't even look at it like most women because I know what it is going to say. I am not pregnant, no way! Yet, I go sit down in the living room we have the movie "Radio" on and it's one of my favorites. Matt has never seen it so I am like what the heck we are definitely watching it. I gingerly get up and go check the stick, still playing up my "joke." I mean he must have thought I was champion actress... When I looked down, I immediately grabbed the paper, I mean something must be wrong with this stick right? hahahahaha... anxiety building. heart racing... cant breath, whats happening. Panic ATTACK! Is this a joke? It says positive. I feel as if it has been hours holding this stick in my hand, its trembling... I feel as if I may drop it! I walk slowly back to the living room honestly not out of purpose. I didn't feel like my legs were working. I stand staring blankly at Matt and he is not even looking my way, watching the movie. He finally looks my way and says "well..." with a smile on his face. I can't speak, my face is paralyzed. I am screaming IN MY HEAD I am pregnant, really... I am not joking. But still nothing comes out. He is now staring intently at me like he is about to run at me and demand answers. Here comes Stacy... apparently. She is in my face before I see her coming. I go to say I am, and she about knocks the pregnancy test out of my hand... or did she? I can't remember. I am so stunned at her absentminded reaction. She slaps my hand and screams, I am sure the whole freaking apartments complex has heard her... "Oh my gosh! Your pregnant Samantha! FOR REAL!"
Matt is now in utter shock and not even looking our way anymore. This is the moment... it is happening. I have my meltdown, I go to screaming crying like a two year old! I run to the bathroom and close the door, yelling what am I gonna do? What is happening? Why me? Please God tell me this is a joke. All of a sudden the world is falling down on me and the door to the bathroom opens interrupting my screams. Matt walks in and slowly walks to hug me, He says what every woman would want to hear yet now it is so funny... "It is okay baby... I am sure it was just a false positive." I am like oh yeah, that's possible... hmm, it is, has to be, right? He is consoling me until I stop screaming. I begin to feel excited in a weird way but immediately decide on going to the doctor to make sure.

I will continue tomorrow. Right now the cafeteria at my college just got really LOUD!
Not to mention it must be like 67 degrees in here. ugh, its cold... so i will be making an exit.