The Pain Takes Over

Hope-- it is human nature to never give up because to give up is death. That is all I did was hope...

At 21 weeks and 4 days I had an appointment at the Thomasville OBGYN and it was just a regular appointment where they were going to check for the heartbeat and talk to me about the specialist had said and where we were going to go from there. I went in, waited and laid back on the table when the doctor came in with the doppler. All smiles in the room and not a single doubt in anyone's mind that this was just another appointment. Doctor checked and checked and then slightly panicked, brought me into the ultrasound room himself and looked for Bentleys heartbeat... and there is was a soft beat coming from my little baby. It was not as fast as it was normally and the doctor said not to be concerned and asked me when my next appointment was. I told him tomorrow and I was satisfied with that. I knew my little fighter was not giving up by no means. I never lost hope... hours later when Matt came home he immediately went in on me and we both blew up on each other. Crying and screaming I tried to calm myself down knowing I was harming the baby. After the day I had; had how dare he?! I went for a drive and cried, screamed and yelled to God what only a small portion of my family knows... "God please don't let me lose my baby... I am trying so hard to calm down! Help me! I don't understand why this is happening to me, please, please don't take him from me." I came home... went to my room & locked the door. Matt came back there sometime later got mad because I would not let him sleep in the bed, went to the couch and we both fell asleep. 5:30 came early and I got up to pee and went back to bed, Matt came in the room got on his knees whispered something to Bentley, told him he loved him and kissed my belly. I got up and feeling bad about the night before and not really wanting to fight asked him if he would come to my appointment. It was the same answer every time... no. We argued a little again about how he never did and his son should mean more to him than his job and I reminded him that we didn't know how long according to the doctors. This seemed to push him out the door as he left for work. I went back to sleep until around 9am and I got up, took a shower and my mom came and got me for my appointment at 10.

Sitting in the wait room my mom asked me if I had felt Bentley kicking any lately (it had really slowed down but to me was no cause for concern because the doctor could explain it all) I said you know not really... and began to think of the last time but then I felt a little reassuring kick in the side and I beamed as I told her that he always did that. We were called back to the room and the ultrasound tech was one I had never met before, all smiles like always as she introduced herself and went to work... one, two, three pictures. "I'll be right back.." My heart stopped... I watched the screen so closely, I had already been to a million appointment there were never just three... there were like 50 and it took at least half an hour sometimes over an hour. I looked at my mom and told her something is wrong. She tried to reassure me but my mind raced over the images, no heart beat... no movement... nothing. I cried inside and begged God to let this be a mistake, please let me be scared for nothing. She was new (at least to me) maybe she just needed help with something.

Another doctor came in one I had seen quite a few times and said the words that shattered my heart forever... "Samantha its like we thought, the baby doesn't have a heart beat; I am going to double check myself but I'm afraid (so & so) is probably correct." She checks... confirmed. Gives me a minute and I sit up button my pants and look at my mom and just start crying... how could God have done this to me, what had I done so bad? My baby... my son... my first baby! Crying or not I was in utter shock... I had felt him move! No this isn't happening, they are wrong.
Doctor comes back in and asks me if I would like to go home and digest this information or would I like to go ahead to the hospital, and as I look at her quizzically she says they did explain what would happen if you were to lose him this late right? No... amazingly not one doctor ever mentioned it. She gave me two choices, a complicated version of a D&C where they pull the baby out in parts and it could cause for infection and revisits to the hospital or I could give birth. My mom insisted I go ahead to the hospital and I knew the only choice for me was birth.

I am currently upsetting myself pretty bad writing this & being pregnant it is not healthy to get this upset so I will continue on when I can. Thank you for reading.